Bon voyage Dear Warden...

The snowbirds are a little late this year; due to their loving concern for me and for my family, my Mom and stepDad Grant postponed their winter escape to sunny Florida until after my Toronto trip last week.  Despite health concerns of their own, they have put me first yet again, as they have done my entire life, and I wish to thank them and congratulate them on finally making the drive out of the Arctic and into their well-deserved holiday.

Their ailments are greatly reduced by the warm humid air in their other hometown in central gulf coastal Florida - plus they have a tonne of fun down there all winter.  Sunshine, hot tub, pool, golf courses, fresh strawberries off the vine, orange-vanilla swirl ice creams from Mixon Fruit Farms, fresh shrimp cooked in beer and peeled by hand into juicy bowls with fresh green beans, breeze blowing through open condo windows every evening, pelicans hangin' around their afternoon walks on the beach, their exploratory day trips all around the area plus longer trips to the likes of Disney resort villas and crazy Key West, salty Gulf air doing them good all winter long.  

I am so proud of them for reaching this lifelong goal and I smile every time I get a post-Margarita Sunday brunch phone call from my Mom and she tells me about their week (before snoozing off for a post-Margarita nap in the shade of the afternoon). 

Since they met when I was a kid, and Grant introduced us to his dream home in Florida, I have been fortunate to visit many times, last time being when I took the girls for a visit in February 2011. I love it there too, and though my heart is achy that they are leaving, I completely appreciate why they do.

Mom and Grant have been a fixture in my life and they are always there for me when I need them.  I do not visit them enough, but I have countless wonderful memories of our lives together, whether here, there, or wherever in between. I love them, and I appreciate them and all the thoughtful things they both do for us.

 

Here they are, in a photo from last winter, so cute and happy, married 27 years and still giggling together throughout their adventures.  See my Mom specifically?  Yes, there she is, laughing and generous, funny and loving, and don't let her fool you... a tough cookie.  A VERY tough cookie... in fact this woman has been through a war - no wonder I call her the Warden.

Since my surgery in May many of you who don't know my Mom or have/not recently met her have inadvertently come to know her as "The Warden."  I dubbed her so when she very capably became the sidekick to my cancer education and the master of my recuperation efforts when it all began earlier this year.  I tend to refer to this time in my life as some sort of sentence or penitence perhaps? Some days home feels like jail, I am the inmate in my pajamas - all of the players in this chapter have roles.  My loving Mom's being that of The Boss.  :-) 

Don't get offended Mom, I am just stating what we all already know!  And LOVE.

Mom and I are alike in so many ways, and we are often teased for having the same laugh or other similarities.  Our lives have several eerie parallels which we can usually laugh about, and we share all of our daily joys and problems with each other, from my parenting woes to her misguidedly considering me her technical support hotline.  We have had our share of rough times together as well, but our relationship always stays strong, and I think we both grow from the good and bad that we share. 

We have a pretty small family; I am Mom's only child, and I have no cousins on Mom's side. I benefitted from being the only grandchild as well, by having a close relationship to my Baba and Dido growing up with my Mom. My Mom, my Baba and I are like three peas in a pod, and we often refer to Baba-isms that have helped (or hindered) us along the way, and we value how our Baba-ness and Mama-ness wind around how we mother and grandmother my girls and eachother, and ourselves.  

Before I get us too confused, let me put some faces to names.  Mama=Mom of course, and Baba=grandmother, in Ukrainian - my Mom is Baba to Claire and Cassie (and Grant is GeeGee, which is a hybrid of the traditional Uky Dido and modern-day GrandpaGrant), as her Mom was Baba to me.

Here we are all three, around 1991, in Florida.  This photo is famous in our family, simply dubbed "the three generations."

 

My Mom is awesome for family photo opps, as evidenced by this one, our last "four generations" photo in 2002. You may recognize these players. :-) 

She's SO gonna swat me when she opens her computer after arriving home in Florida and sees this post.. Notice I have waited to post it 'til she's IN THE CAR?  Yep, I am still a little afraid of her. teehee!  

She scared lots of us around here this summer, including my well-meaning friends who would pop by to visit me in my post-surgery bedrest position in the living room, and she would in no uncertain terms limit their visits whether or not any of the rest of us thought it was necessary.  She was right I know, I was on bedrest for a reason.  It was the proper way to spend part of my sentence - in solitary confinement!!!  Just kidding Mom.. just kidding! 

I respect her.  Mom's experience and education and reasoning and common sense and genuine love of others makes her a force to be reckoned with, and I am grateful to have her on my team. Cancer doesn't stand a chance around her man, the Warden has put her foot down!

Mom had a long career as a nurse, but she also has a longer career as a woman.  A busy woman, with multiple practical skills under her belt from basketball championships and drop-dead gorgeous beast at her prom, Ukrainian culture promotion and European travels (I specifically followed in her footsteps when visiting the leaning tower of Pisa!) and professional adventures (plus the odd truck trip!) all over the northern wilds of Ontario were just the beginning of all the stuff my Mom has accomplished in her life. 

I admire her every day, and I hope that people are right when they compare us, I would be honoured to be like my Mom.

I miss her already, and I'm not sure how we'll handle everything we're going through without her being at home just a four hour drive away, she is always at the ready to drop everything and come up here to look after us (ME) in case of an emergency.  My security blankie. 

The reality is though, we still speak on the phone almost every day even in winter, so after adjusting to the actual fact that it is really two DAYS driving we are separated by, we habitually fall back into the same rhythm of talking and laughing across the phone line for hours on end. Daily.

I can't even describe how grateful I am for everything you have done Mom, and always do for me - including gracefully tolerating my unfiltered impatient patient-ism and all the evil that comes with it.  I promise I won't make any decisions without calling you seventeen times first.  I have a feeling this winter will pass by much as the summer and fall did, suddenly it will be April and time for you to come home, and your Warden duties will still be here. 

In the meantime I want you to rest and relax.  Soak up that sun for me and let it sink into your bones, enjoy your time off as it is much deserved, and much-needed, in my opinion!  Look after yourself and Grant, have fun and go to Bingo night - oh and poolside happy hour Thursdays too please.  Have fun and unwind, stretch out and sleep in, stop and smell the gardenias for nobody but yourself. 

 

Cheers to you!  Thank you!  I love you! - and I'll talk to you tomorrow!  and the next day and the next day and the next day......   Choms xo xo xo

Well... THAT happened.

Hello, I'm back!  I'm still in bed but starting to return to the land of the living.  Sorry for all the texts and emails etc I have not returned, please accept my thanks for your love and support!  I will soon be back to bugging you and blabbing on and on again.  That's a promise.

Sooo.... just for the record, I feel justified in having dreaded this thyroid surgery so much, it was certainly worth it. LOL  Does that make sense?  I may still be under the influence of some lovely prescription narcotics so writing could be sketchy..... ;-)  It was deserving of the dreading, is what I am trying to say. 

Just wanted to post a very quick synopsis of what happened in Toronto and since.  

First some great news - this morning Claire's Dad took her for her xrays for her broken ankle and YAY she can ditch the crutches and put weight on the ankle! One more week of air boot cast then a week or so of tensor bandage but overall: relief of the crutches!  

The girls' play went off without a hitch over the latter part of last week.  I am told each performance of Lion, Witch and Wardrobe presented by the Kids in the Meaford Hall group was fantastic and very fun.  Claire and Cassie the "wood nymphs" were chauffeured to and fro by Baba and GeeGee and ate and napped in between and had a blast!  I can't wait to see the dvd.  Thanks to all who attended and helped the girls enjoy their time onstage so much. :-)

As for my sorry ass, I can answer a few common questions I seem to be getting, just in quick point form, then I will be back to napping.  Major sleeping these days holy, I am so completely pooped.

• Tues. aft we saw medical oncologist for the clinical trial consult, everything still on track to go as planned, next Pacmen treatment for Melanoma is Jan. 19, 2015.  And no, unfortunately the pacmen won't go after any thyroid cancer cells possibly left behind, it is specific to melanoma only, which is why the surgeon worked so hard to remove as much thyroid area as possible so that hopefully I can avoid iodine radiation treatment which could affect my trial drug treatment schedule. Med. Onc. and Thyroid Surgeon working closely together - thankfully!
• Surgery was Wed. a.m. first thing, I spoke with surgeon before going under - I think the part I hate the worst about surgery is having to climb onto the cold operating table myself and lie there while they talk to each other and hook stuff up to me knowing that I am about to have who knows what happen while I am asleep.  It is literally terrifying.
• Surgery took 4+ hours, ended up being far more extensive than originally thought, and I now have 32 (yep, Mom counted) staples circling my throat.  Dr. Higgins told Scott that he took as much as he could so as to try to avoid having another surgery.  I have a drain in the incision as well, but it is working well so hopefully my homecare nurse can remove it tomorrow.
• Total thyroidectomy, and central and right node dissections as well, plus extensive work on the left side, in fact the left is worse for pain and swelling so I am looking forward to reading the surgery report and pathology reports to see what happened??  Also he took two of four of my parathyroid? which I am told is crucial to calcium levels so I am being  heavily supplemented and monitored for calcium. 
• Have another fistful of prescriptions, major calcium supplements to take 3x daily for a month, plus the thyroid hormone replacement for the rest of my life.  
• Night in the TEGH semi-private was better than the night in Sunnybrook short stay unit, the nursing staff was far better than I had feared they would be after the dismal pre-op appt.
• Post-op recovery not as great as last time, very heavy chest and lots of coughing even still today, which hurts. Nausea too, darn no purple tarantula this time? 
• Long story short we got home around 8pm Thursday, major traffic jams longest day ever but got home phew... and sadly Scott had to quickly pack up and head to work back downtown Toronto for Friday morning rushhour! :-(  Poor guy - don't know how he handled it all but he was amazing.  Thank you Scott!  <3
• Everything at home has been great too, the Warden mothered us all over the weekend while I primarily sleep, she has gone home now and a new Warden is coming, Iris, the girls' other Grandma, to help taxi, feed, and shuffle my adorable and busy offspring. Thanks in advance Gramma - I'm staying downstairs!! ;-)
• I am able to drink, cool liquids especially yummy, protein shakes and chicken broth with the odd coffee for good measure.  I can eat, but chewing and swallowing meat is a terrible feat right now so screw it, handy I'm not hungry anyway! It's hard to open my jaw much anyway and I still have a tonne of swelling on my left side so it's fairly painful. 
• Pain is better than I thought it would be, it is manageable which is good.. and I did figure out how to wash my hair and brush teeth this morning - nothing like a Monday morning to get you moving. I cannot get my incision wet so thankful for the handheld showers we have plus all my practice after surgery in May.
• And the incision.... yes... it is large. It is uncovered and wide open for viewing, you can't miss it, and I think it is totally GROSS. Frankenstein jokes abound LOL  and its OK, I don't mind.  The girls aren't afraid of it so that is my main concern, I freaked out when I first saw it but I am assured it will heal well and scar should be minimal.  It is disgusting, I can say it.  
• I have not had much company and honestly I just can't right now, it's too tiring and painful. AND GROSS! Kids Grandmas and nurse is all I can handle, especially 'til the drain comes out. But I am feeling better every day so should be more mobile faster than the May ordeal.  
• Post-surgery appointment is this Thursday, hoping at least some staples can come out then?  But will see.  

OK think that covers it.. thank you again for your wave of support.. I need it, and I appreciate it without measure.  xoxo

T - 24 hours

24 hours from now I will be blissfully unaware of my surroundings, which will be a vast improvement over how I am feeling now!

I hate surgery, have I mentioned that? Sorry, venting..needed a whiny moment.

It is very difficult to dread something so much but still have to keep sane plus maintain order around the house and family plus prepare for being away from home and out of condition upon return... sort of like preparing for a vacation, except not like that, no benefit of sunshine and palm tree drinks anywhere in between. :-(

The girls are settled with their lists and comforts, laundry is done, cat litter cleaned (and kitty's nails are trimmed so she is happy LOL), fridge and pantry are all set for Mom and the kids, my bed is all ready for me to snuggle in when I get home in my drug-induced haze.

Ah yes the drugs.. I am not shy with the nurses in that department, I ask for a shot as soon as I have to hand over my clothes and glasses. Yes- glasses! It is the stupid little things that freak you out when preparing for surgery, I feel very disoriented without my specs I am blind as a bat so hopefully the wait for surgery goes faster than the arrival of the panic attack.

Saying goodbye to the girls this morning was the worst.. we really hate being apart from eachother. :'-(  I am now just numb with the knowledge that we have all done everything we can to prepare, we have climbed this hill on the roller coaster and now all we can do now is whoosh down the other side.

I am reassured by the fact that the girls will be so busy with their play rehearsals and performances, though I will be missing their play (for the first time ever) - that was a tough batch of tears to choke back last night.  But their Baba and GeeGee will be there with them, plus their Dads side of the family plus our countless friends and supporters.

If you have time and happen to see the girls please give 'em a high five or a hug for me. We're just trying to repeat the mantra that this will be over before we know it.  but still... :-/

Ok enough whining, we're on our way now, Toronto-bound and down.  Sunnybrook this afternoon for clinical trial bloodwork and consultation, then staying at our fave hotel close to both hospitals.

I am to call Toronto East General this evening to get my surgery time, its looking like 9am tomorrow (Wednesday) but not sure yet.  If so then I will be without glasses by around 8am.  Wwaahhhhhh

Scott will let our close family know how it goes (and how amusingly loopy I will be in recovery hehe!) And then my buddy Crys will start the call(text) tree.  I'm practicing blogging from my mobile device so if I can tomorrow or Thursday I will.  If not, please know I am appreciating your good energy and support.

I feel very loved.. thank you. xoox

Talk to you soon! Or well..whisper, or write, or hand signals? LOL I will be a thyroid gland and some lymph nodes short of a full load if ya know what I mean. ;-)

Pre-Operative Assessment Clinic

You might think that at your Pre-op you would get a feeling for what to expect in your upcoming visit to the hospital at which your surgery will be... a feeling for the facility and the nurses and the other medical professionals that will be taking your life into their hands.  What to expect when you're under the knife, and how you will be handled afterward.  

I am here to tell you that that is not always how it goes - or at least I hope that is not why my day went the way it did yesterday!

I left the building with more confusion than I had when I went in, not very much confidence in the staff that looked after me, and with painful bruises on both of my cubital fossa! (hehe cubital fossa = the inside of your elbows, like, where they put in the needles to take blood - brutal vampire nurse yesterday, just sayin'!)

My Mom and I bombed down to Toronto East General Hospital yesterday to get the lay of the land for my surgery next week, and to provide health stats, bloodwork, and any information about my life that my surgeon may be missing; get all my ducks in a row for surgery.  Other than the bloodwork I think it could all be done by phone or skype, or fax, or smoke signals..?   But no, I had to physically trip down there to dot the i's and cross the t's.

I have done this before, I clearly remember how my pre-op was at Sunnybrook before my surgery in May, and it was no fun either - I am starting to think it may just be a symptom of pre-op visits that they are a shit-show?  You don't actually get to see the surgeon, it is all looked after by nurses and pharmacists, and sometimes the anesthesiologist, though I did not see mine yesterday. 

Overall, the visit did not provide a fantastic first impression of the hospital in which I will spend some time next week.  Maybe I have been spoiled by the excellent care I receive at Sunnybrook, or maybe I just have a bad attitude about this thyroidectomy and node dissection(S) because I hate surgery. AND because I find it truly inconvenient that I have to have parts of my precious body removed, when really I didn't ask for this in the first place! Yes, could be a slightly bad attitude, but I digress.....   

After a lengthy wait in an empty holding room (which to be fair, was nicer than Sunnybrook's pre-op hole in the wall waiting cell), I was escorted to an assessment room to have my vitals taken and my visits with various parties participating in my surgery prep. 

How my blood pressure remained lower than normal through this ordeal I do not know.  The nurse didn't even look at when introducing herself to me, and I find that inexcusable.  I cannot imagine my paperwork being so engrossing that there wasn't time for eye contact.

   

Ah well anyway, after a bunch of paper shuffling and calling of other nurses to figure out just how many vials of blood I needed to give, I was very grateful that my family physician had sent extra printouts for me to take with me in case TEGH didn't receive the faxes from Sunnybrook etc.  Turns out that was smart -yay Doc thanks so much for having my back!  Apparently there was some miscommunication from the surgeon?  Or not enough orders provided? Or..? 

Two hours later, all done, bandaid on one sore cubital fossa (now please remember I get tonnes of pokes these days and I am not fussy about it, I don't watch them do it but I don't cry or wince or bitch either, but this nurse was OUCHIE) (GRRRR), jacket on and in line at the Timmies in the lobby to get a cuppa joe for the long ride home in rush hour traffic, and I hear "hellooooo hello! Hello? Look up!" 

A voice in my head?? Is a deadly chandelier going to fall from the ceiling of this dump and end all my complaints about cancer in one quick crushing blow?  Nope. No such luck.  It was my no-eye contact vampire nurse calling from the open balcony above the lobby, asking me to please come back up - she found the paperwork and she was so glad she caught me in the lobby!  grrrrr

Two more bad pokes and five more vials of blood with two more nurses involved to confer over whether or not they had the right vial colours for my apparently fancy blood test orders (does "ionized calcium" ring a bell to anyone?) that had to be contained on ice, and another 20 minutes later I was heading back downstairs to my exasperated MotherBear who had somehow contained her obvious criticism of the situation (remember, she is a retired nurse who has many times offered to do my bloodwork for me herself! LOL). We ditched the coffee run and instead broke free for the parking lot.  Yes, we actually ran. As in, get us outta here!!!  

Overall, not a great first impression of TEGH, and I said as much to my surgeon's assistant this morning.  She apologised for the inconveniences and assured me she needed to know how things went so she can monitor their dealings with other hospitals at which her boss works.  She said that I should in no way doubt my surgeon, that despite the bad first impression of the hospital, she is completely confident that I will be well taken care of next Wednesday when directly in my surgeon's hands.  oh dear.  I hope so!!  yikes.

One of the highlights of the excitement yesterday, and the reason for my hasty call to the surgeon's office this morning, was that the nurses blithely stated that I should plan on a three day stay in the hospital - THREE DAYS IN ADDITION TO SURGERY DAY.  WHAT?? I asked several times if she was sure, if that is common, if she was sure, as the surgeon told me himself that as long as everything goes okay I will be released the next day.  

She said yes plan for three days and I asked repeatedly how I could find out for sure as this would be crucial information to know as I have a young family and we live three hours away!?  She said she didn't know but was pretty sure - I suggested that having a backup plan in case of emergency something goes wrong is far different from PLANNING for a three day stay.  Aaaarrrghhhhh 

Long story short, this morning my surgeons office confirmed that I need only plan for one nights stay, unless there should be an emergency.  They used to keep people in intensive care for three days after a thyroidectomy, due to necessary monitoring of calcium levels, but not anymore.  So... as it stands, I am expecting to come home Thursday Dec. 4.  

Lots of shuffling has happened since I got the surgery date, but we are now one week out and I think it is all organised.  Scott will be taking me to my operation, we will be in Toronto Tues. Dec. 2 through Thurs, Dec 4, and my Mom is coming to stay with the girls and taxi them to and from school, ankle x-rays, and play performances etc.  Then Scott leaves for work likely on the Friday, Mom will stay until Sunday, and Grandma Iris is coming first of the following week to help taxi and look after the girls while I rest and recuperate for a few more days.  Yes, I do expect to get some much-needed rest in my cozy master suite LOL - can I start now??  ;-) 

No confirmation of post-operative assessment date, but looks like it will be one week after surgery, on or about Dec. 11, 2014.  

In any case, I suppose I am grateful that the pre-op is over with and an accomplishment to add to my cancerous list, but I am grateful that my post-op care will continue at Sunnybrook and the whole thing will be behind me about a week from now.  I will be tired I am told, and I will have to start taking a supplement to replace my natural thyroid function, and I will have to start taking a calcium supplement, but otherwise everything is rolling along as it should. 

I am just about to the point where there is nothing else I can do to prepare for this thing, so I have to let it all go and just roll with it.  I lost control of this bus ages ago!!

I'm not supposed to look this stuff up, but if you want to know more about my diagnosis of Papillary Thyroid Cancer, this is where I would maybe start looking. Here too.  :-)  Oh and Canadian site here: http://www.thyroidcancercanada.org/

Thyroid Hormone Replacement and Papillary Thyroid Cancer?

Regardless of whether a patient has just one thyroid lobe and the isthmus removed, or the entire thyroid gland removed, most experts agree they should be placed on thyroid hormone replacement for the rest of their lives. This replaces the hormone in those who have no thyroid left, and to suppress further growth of the gland in those with some tissue left in the neck.

There is good evidence that papillary carcinoma responds to TSH secreted by the pituitary, therefore, exogenous thyroid hormone is given, which results in decreased TSH levels and a lower impetus for any remaining cancer cells to grow. Recurrence and mortality rates have been shown to be lower in patients receiving suppression.

Chemo Brain

I have recently and reluctantly discovered that I am experiencing a reasonably common but little talked about medical condition nick-named "Chemo Brain."  

Though I have always been fantastic at multi-tasking and typically have abundant energy for professional and social details, I have also been able to laugh at myself for being occasionally dippy, and I am known for forgetful little things such as over-introducing people LOL -oops so you have already met this person I am introducing you to again? Several times? at my house?  I chalk that up to social graces and making sure nobody is left feeling uncomfortable not knowing each other.  ;-) 

But in the past few months I have noticed some uncomfortable changes in myself and my patterns of thinking. A few of my close friends, and my family doctor, spoke to me about my shifts in thinking being more negative than usual, and my depressy and lackluster approach to things seemed to be overpowering my usual cheerful-laugh-in-the-face-of-danger personality traits. Turns out there is medication for that, which I have never taken before in my life, but apparently is commonly prescribed to patients receiving the type of immunotherapy treatments I am. Since taking the meds I am feeling a bit better in the depression side of things, but I am still very aware of the Chemo Brain.

Though I am not taking a traditional chemotherapy (because melanoma does not respond to chemotherapy, it was not offered as an option in my treatment plan), I am indeed taking a chemical treatment that affects the human body head to toe.  

Though I don't have the intense nasty physical side effects of what we commonly know about chemotherapy, I do have the same potential for long-term organ and tissue damage, like chemo.  It is a risk, but apparently one worth taking. We shall see. 

One of those long-term side-effects which I am already finding to be affecting my life is Chemo Brain.  For the mothers in my reading crowd, you may be able to relate if you ever had "Baby Brain" during and after pregnancy?  It's kind of like that (speaking from experience!).

I took myself to see a fantastic movie in theatres a few weeks ago, and it had an unexpected cancer twist.  Without giving away any plot I can tell you that there was one scene where the main character had to openly discuss a health issue he had been hiding from his family and the public.  This character was a highly esteemed officer of the law and he did not want to admit his challenges with mental setbacks for fear of losing credibility.  

In one scene where he was being interrogated about something very important that he could not recall whatsoever, and his cancer treatment side-effects were being blown open to the public, he easily admitted to the nausea, vomiting, exhaustion, headaches, physical weakness, etc. But when asked about his memory loss and decrease in mental sharpness he defensively exclaimed "But that doesn't apply to me!"  This scene stuck in my mind, and I could relate to his reluctance to admit a decrease in mental function.  I can tell you about my physical limitations but I don't want to admit to my feeling like I'm losing my mind! I am too strong for that!  I can handle this! 

Why do we do that?  Are we weak if we admit defeat?  Are we weak if we admit that we are struggling with something, that we are afraid of the future, if we are afraid that we may never feel back to "normal" again?  Are we perceived at losing an edge or not being "positive enough" if we admit that we are not running on full mental capacity?  I'm sure there are plenty of mental health studies on that and I don't want to elaborate on mental health at this point, except for how my experience with cancer treatment is affecting mine.  It is a real factor, and I have no choice but to be open about it.  

My kids notice it the most LOL and they just tease me and take it in stride when I can't finish a sentence without searching my brain files to spit out what I started to say... or when I intend to say one thing and an entirely different thing pops out of my mouth.  I think their favourite (beyond my mixing up their names - to their faces - a 12-year long saga of twin parenting I'm sure) is my asking them to please tidy up their broccoli! and make sure their dirty laundry goes from the hamper to the fridge!? Geez Mom you're losing it!! 

I am easily exhausted, physically but mentally as well, I find I am overly sensitive to noise, I don't like surprises as much as I did before, I like my peace and quiet alone time even more than before (my best friends all know and lovingly understand and respect what I mean when I say I'm hibernating, but they do haul me out of bed if they feel I have been hibernating too long).  I have to write everything down, and I practically carry my calendar around with me to make every note in one place, pink sticky notes and paperclips have made my "calendar" quite thick. 
Driving my beloved car is a more stressful experience than it has ever been, I have questioned my own judgement a couple of times, which scares me.  My eyes get all burny feeling when I talk too much, and I have to lie down flat when the dizzies take over, which makes me angry and frustrated therefore tired and uncommunicative. I find I don't even want to drink anymore (after all this complaining about having to keep my liver clean) I feel uncomfortable with the loss of control even a little fireball or wine causes. Eeek I never thought I would say that!?! 

I worry about this side-effect specifically as it relates to my job.  I know it has been a while since I have been there.. but believe me I am actually gainfully employed. LOL I am pretty open with my boss about how I am feeling and he seems confident that I will recover and get back my "edge" needed for my busy multi-tasking management position, though I lack that conviction right now and I fear that I will not be able to do my job with the same physical AND mental prowess I had before.  Time will tell... until then I am comfortable knowing that I just have to look after my family and their broccoli troubles. And my friends can tease me about re-telling my stories, and enjoy the fact that they can re-tell me theirs because I am largely unaware of what I have already been told. :-) 

I'm thinking this is a main reason for this blog... y'all can read about how I'm feeling, and if I repeat myself it's just because you're re-reading. ;-)  I can look back on my written word to see if I'm repeating myself. Point for self-preservation - phew! 

I found a great article about Chemo Brain and I will share some points from it, in addition to the link to it:

What is chemo brain?

Here are just a few examples of what patients call chemo brain:

• Forgetting things that they usually have no trouble recalling (memory lapses)

• Trouble concentrating (they can’t focus on what they’re doing, have a short attention span, may “space out”)

• Trouble remembering details like names, dates, and sometimes larger events

• Trouble multi-tasking, like answering the phone while cooking, without losing track of one task (they are less able to do more than one thing at a time)

• Taking longer to finish things (disorganized, slower thinking and processing)

• Trouble remembering common words (unable to find the right words to finish a sentence)

"Doctors and researchers call chemo brain many things, such as chemotherapy-induced cognitive dysfunction/impairment, cancer-therapy associated cognitive change, or post-chemotherapy cognitive impairment. Most define it as a decrease in mental “sharpness” – being unable to remember certain things and having trouble finishing tasks or learning new skills. Some doctors call it chemo brain only if it doesn’t go away or get better over time. How long it lasts is a major factor in how much it affects a person’s life. When it starts, how long it lasts, and how much trouble it causes can vary a lot. So the term “chemo brain” is not completely accurate. Still, it’s what most people call it right now.

For most people, brain effects happen quickly and only last a short time. Others have long-term mental changes. Usually the changes that patients notice are very subtle, and others around them might not even notice any changes at all. Still, the people who are having problems are well aware of the differences in their thinking. Many people don’t tell their cancer care team about this problem until it affects their everyday life."

What causes brain problems during cancer treatment?

"Studies suggest that there may be more than one cause of chemo brain, especially for the short-term symptoms. Some people with cancer have very real brain problems even though they have not had chemo. Still others notice problems when getting hormone treatments, such as estrogen blockers or androgen deprivation therapy (treatments to lower testosterone levels). For some, problems start after surgery. Along with chemo, many different things can worsen brain function.

For instance, brain function problems could be caused or worsened by any one or any combination of these factors:

•    The cancer itself

•    Other drugs used as part of treatment, such as steroids, anti-nausea, drugs used during surgery (anesthesia), or pain medicines

•    Low blood counts

•    Sleep problems

•    Infection

•    Tiredness (fatigue)

•    Hormone changes or hormone treatments

•    Other illnesses, such as diabetes or high blood pressure

•    Nutritional deficiencies

•    Patient age

•    Depression

•    Stress, anxiety, worry, or other emotional pressure

Most of these cause short-term problems, and get better as the underlying problem is treated or goes away. A few, such as depression, can cause long-lasting brain problems unless the cause is treated.

So far, there is no known way to prevent chemo brain. For some people, treating their cancer will mean trouble with thinking, memory, planning, and finding the right words."

 Source and more interesting info: http://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatmentsandsideeffects/physicalsideeffects/chemotherapyeffects/chemo-brain

Italy

OK I'm doing it... re-posting an old blog article.  Some of you may know that I used to have a blog years ago - yep, I've looonng been a blabbermouth. 

Combine that with my dreams of travel back to Italy, and the restful part of this snow day affording me some tinker-time with the computer, and here it is:  the "Maserati" part of my inspiration for this blog. Enough about the Motherhood and Melanoma for a minute... let's talk Maserati.  :-)

In 2009 I wrote about my March 2007 trip to Italy (funny, only seven-ish years ago and I happened to notice in the photos that my hair was remarkably darker then than it is now).  Here goes... as I remember it:

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Ahhh Tuscany... it even smells like purple.  I had the memorable pleasure of exploring Florence(Firenze), Italy in March 2007.  Several hundred photos remain of this trip, and I have filled a journal and two photo albums with notes and observations, but for the purpose of this blog I have included just a few of my favourites.  Another excuse to sit and daydream about my experiences there...

We flew from Toronto to Frankfurt, Germany, then on to Milan, Italy, arriving on a Sunday morning.  By early afternoon we had navigated our rental car to Pisa, in Tuscany.  While there we just HAD to see the famous tower, and of course, sample authentic pizza in Pisa, for the kids of course. After a few hours there we got to our hotel in Florence, on the Oltrarno side of the Arno river, away from the touristy downtown core.

 

Pizza in Pisa:

 

Monday we drove to Siena, found breakfast and an unforgettable morning of touring around the stone streets, savouring the pace of life there.  Laundry hung from window sills in the sun, and palm trees dotted the lush vegetation.  Siena is worth another visit, longer next time.

Siena streets:

   

                 Siena grocer:

 

 

Monday afternoon we drove into Florence downtown, and found the Duomo (you wouldn't think that such a large structure could be so hard to find), some lunch in a little ristorante (a real caprese salad!), and walked around the piazza.

  

I won't even begin to describe the food... that would take up the rest of this post.  I love to sample new foods, perhaps even more adventurous when travelling (I wouldn't try octopus in Meaford!).  To say that I have always been a fan of Italian food would be an understatement, so this trip was really a dream come true for me in the ristorante department.

 

That evening we walked from our hotel to a nearby ristorante called La Piazzetta, wonderful place, charming, cozy, hip, everything you might expect from an eatery in fashionable Europe.  We had an entertaining (and sort-of-english-speaking) server who helped us decipher the menu and order a beautiful sampling of local dishes. The pici pasta was unique, Chianti better than any I had tasted at home, and dessert was a surprise, two selections made by our server.  He seemed to know just what we would like and capped off the meal perfectly.  If you are in Florence and want a quiet but fun place to eat delicious authentic food, go to La Piazzetta.

 

We noticed this little car wash while walking off the Grappa. Perfect for their little cars:

Tuesday I was on my own, and I did some extensive walking around the city following my Lonely Planet travel guide to Florence suggested walk tours (excellent - I highly recommend those).  Found so many interesting things.  Ponte Vecchio is still my favourite!

Medieval gate to the city Florence:

Santo Spirito:

 

                    Back of Ponte Vecchio from a private balcony:

                           View Ponte Vecchio from Uffizi Gallery:

               Inside Ponte Vecchio, priceless modern day jewellery:

 

Me @ Basilica Santa Croce - to this day I can hardly believe it

Wednesday morning I spent at the Uffizi Gallery - breathtaking, indescribable, highlight of the trip for me.  In the afternoon I found the Cappelle Medicee (Medici Chapels).  After a fascinating tour of the interior of the chapels, including an incredibly close look at Michelangelo's marble sculptures 'Night/Day' and 'Dawn/Dusk' as well as some early - incomplete - sketches preserved on the walls, I dazedly wandered through the ancient jewels and treasures displayed on the lower levels.  I was glad I had taken the advice of the jewel merchant behind Ponte Vecchio to see the Medici collection.

                               Behind Medici Chapels:

 

Thursday I set out on another hike, had a few errands and another cashmere pashmina to buy, then up to Piazzale Michelangelo over-looking the city.  The weather was perfect for walking, sunny and warmer than March here, but not blistering hot like summer in Tuscany.  I walked past Fort Belvedere, along the road where Galileo lived for a time, 

<-------- Galileo lived here

and found the monks chanting at San Miniato al Monte, up on the hill above the medieval city.  This place is gorgeous!  Stephen and his Russian colleague met me up at Piazza Michalangelo, and we enjoyed the view before we descended to dinner again downtown.

                                         Fort Belvedere:

                             Exactly like in 'Under the Tuscan Sun'!

                   San Miniato al Monte - romanesque with contrast:

 

                               Remnants of medieval city walls:

 

                 View from Piazzale Michelangelo:

Friday we left Florence to spend a day in Verona before heading back to Milan to fly home early the next morning.  What a trip - as we drove north to Verona we saw incredible orchards and vineyards, unique (and new) architecture as a contrast to the historic vistas of the week.  Had lunch at a sunny caffe in Verona, then toured on foot the arena and several touristy stops.

 

Arena, Verona:

                 The famed balcony of Juliet ~ Romeo... Shakespeare:

Views from atop arena, inside it:

 

It was torture to be so close to Venice but not have enough time to go there - next time for sure. On the way back to Milan from Verona we hit a traffic jam, reminiscent of Toronto, except with way cooler vehicles - not a pick up truck to be seen.  Flights home were good as well, except that Air Canada fed us - of all things - pizza!  (yuck)      Wonderful trip overall, can't wait to go back! 

Bonus pics, love the vehicles...

                                NOT Maserati:

MASERATI:  :-)  :-)  :-)