Support Group - Coping with Cancer

Again last week I checked myself into the comfortable seat across from my therapist at the RVH Cancer Centre, at the urging of my loved ones: perhaps time for a little check-in with the outside (trained!) party who helped me through some very dark days this past winter.  

I have had therapy/social work off and on since I was eight years old, for an assortment of reasons (primarily for grief of fluctuating degrees, and divorce - my parents', and then many moons later, my own), so I am comfortable with the scenario.  

I appreciate receiving the opinion of someone who does not know me outside of that room.  Someone who can focus on what I am saying or portraying, based on my words, and not on their conceived notions of my whims over the course of knowing me prior.  Prior to cancer?  Prior to being smarter than I was when I was a teenager? 

Anyway... I opened the conversation with a glib "You know how you see your medical people regularly and everything seems great so you reduce your number of appointments and then the wheels fall off the cart? Well - my wheels have fallen off and I need your help."  

Hey, we only have an hour, I need to cut to the chase. 

We had a good discussion about my current state of treatment and health level - physical, mental and emotional - and I left with a couple of new tools in my repertoire to take to my family and discuss with them. (enter yawns here)   Please remind me I need to book another appointment to check in again in the fall as I should not leave it so long until next time.  

The support programs available at cancer centres are wonderful, accessible, life-changing for many.  Even though my employer benefits can augment emotional support with my diagnosis, I have not yet had to tap into that resource as OHIP/the cancer centre has it covered.  I am truly grateful for the support and I am glad I pursued this part of my therapy (couldn't procrastinate like I have with my lymphedema therapy).

I was invited to a relatively new support group they have started at Royal Victoria Hospital in Barrie, "Coping with Cancer."  Again, cutting to the chase, I immediately jumped at the chance, as I truly enjoyed and deeply benefited from the Support Group in which I participated in February, the "Legacy Group."  I got to discuss various highlights of my life span with an amazing group of women, and I feel I gained experience and friendship from them that I will cherish for the remainder of my life.

Today my daughters hung out at Gilda's Club next door to RVH while I met some new people with varying degrees of cancer-coping, and I left with new experience already, and a renewed sense of hope for my future, regardless of how immediate.  I even connected with a fellow melanoma patient, and a couple of people from closer to Meaford than Barrie.  I look forward to the chance that I may see these folks again and have the opportunity to share with them in the coming weeks.  

This small ray of hope may seem silly to people who know me (or do not know me) but have not experienced cancer, but I know you will trust me to say it is helpful. It is helpful.  

Even if it is only one hour every two weeks that I can sit in a room with people who share the same fear, anger, grief, sadness, or pain that I do, then it is one hour in which I can deal with my fear, anger, grief, sadness and pain.  I can just be me.  And who knows, maybe a better me will emerge from all of it.    

Reminds me of a blog post I wrote in April as a guest writer for saveyourskin.ca - Save Your Skin Foundation, a melanoma-awareness group from Vancouver with whom I am happy to have made a connection and hope to further build a relationship with in the near future. 

It was called One Melanoma Patient's Need for Community    At the risk of boring those who have already read it, I am re-posting it here, as it is still valuable to me, four fast months later.    

Today I am reminded of the feeling of relief I experienced this past winter, when I found a safe environment and the common ground I need.  This stupid sunny scorchingly hot summer I feel the same way:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One Melanoma Patient's Need for Community

I find it comforting to meet or speak with others surviving the melanoma maze. Visiting my cancer centre on a regular basis for all of my appointments and treatments, I sit quietly with my peers awaiting theirs, but I almost eagerly strike up conversation if someone even glances my way. I must startle some of these unknown strangers, likely appearing like some overzealous puppy jumping up to make friends, panting all over the place. I have plenty of wonderful friends already, but I seem to crave new friends. I want cancer friends, I need common ground.

Since my diagnosis and countless consultations with medical professionals of all types, I still find the greatest comfort speaking with others in the same boat as I am. We compare facilities and oncologists, pain levels, side effects, and remedies for improvement of our symptoms.

We are all there for the same reason, and we seem keen to exchange stories and curious questions about clinical trials and treatment options and number of surgeries under our belts. It is a strange language, one I have learned a lot about in the past year, but one that I believe I will never fully understand.

I have happened to have met three people with melanoma, but that's it. It is not the most common ailment along my traveled path. All cancer cases are personal of course, but I quickly learned that melanoma is even more a mysterious beast.

Melanoma patients are a unique breed, fighting a unique battle, and we need comrades on our side. Talking it out with someone with the same type of metastatic cells not only eases our psychological burden, but it lends hope to the fight. It reinforces in our minds and bodies that we may have other options to explore or other questions to ask our oncologists. There are other people ALIVE coping with what we are coping with, and they may be able to help.

Life raft thrown out! Even if for just one day, that is one day's worth of hope that I may not have had if I hadn't spoken with my comrade.

Online resources are a huge help also - when first diagnosed I was banned by my doctor from the internet, but now that I have learned more and I am more comfortable with the way things seem to work, I feel less panic about reading things online about my disease. Even the venting of fellow bloggers is comforting, I feel relief when reading their words and knowing that I am not the only one who is afraid or discouraged or angry.

I can sift through the medical terms and look past the statistics, and every now and then I find a nugget of information that sends me in an entirely different direction, usually uncovering another piece of my puzzle. Whether about melanoma or the likes of a new meditation technique, it gives me the feeling that there is something I can do about my situation, and that there are others who are doing the same.

I remember feeling when I was first diagnosed that I was walking around with a giant digital clock above my head, with large green numbers counting down to my expiry date. I felt I stuck out like a sore thumb, wore that clock around like a black cloud, wondering how to get it away from me. I ducked and dodged and denied until I was blue in the face, now I focus my energy on positive action, namely, writing or talking with anyone willing to show their community flag.

The clock seems to have faded this year later, but it is not gone. That is in part due to those that I have connected with, in person or online, that have said the same things I have felt, or that have experienced the situation I am in. Venting, learning, sharing: all coping mechanisms.

I trust my oncologists, but I gain extra strength when I speak to people who have walked the same steps I am being directed to take. I hear it repeated and think it is a good sign that I am not some entirely solitary being receiving a mystical treatment unknown to anyone outside of the chemical laboratory that mixes up my IV bag of potion.

Every day I push on, hanging out with my family and friends, going to my appointments, resting with my cat, and seeking the additional community that I need in order to properly fulfill my ambition to fight melanoma. I have to fight my individual battle my way, but I am also content to share that fight with others, either gaining from their perspective, or being able to help someone else in some small way. We are all neighbours on this ship, and I think we can paddle together to keep it afloat.

Natalie Richardson

www.impatientpatientmomma.blogspot.ca

Week 53

I think I got my grumps out in my last pity-party blog post, perhaps that was a little case of writer's block?  Thinking if I get that out of the way, I can write about the good stuff again.  The fact that I have gotten away from my writing hobby is an example of how disconnected I have been feeling from everything.  

I have mentioned before that I don't feel well, I am not myself.  I am not as quick or as clever as I was before, but, having said that I want to describe what other things I have been up to.  

As a typical Gemini personality I seem to be able to function on both sides of the happiness spectrum?  Comparable to a "functional alcoholic" perhaps, I maintain a "functional cancer patient" lifestyle.  I go out in public and people compliment my "healthy" appearance, but inside I am screaming UGH!!! I feel YUCK.  I cook meals and drive my kids places and do my errands, but I also go to my appointments and consume my prescriptions and bear countless needle pokes.  I should be grateful for all of it, and I know somewhere inside I really am.  

Until I am able to truly embrace that gratitude my plan is to keep busy with the stuff I have always wanted or needed to do.  Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

I have been busy indeed, trying to just live the life I keep complaining that I am missing out on.  Obviously I am not yet back to work, that is still a long way off.  I do not even complete this clinical trial until November, and there will still be plenty of physical and (obviously) mental work for me to do after that.  

I often fantasize about being back at work and happily greeting my old customers and then I turn around, visualizing the complicated weekly cashier schedule it is my responsibility to write, and I cringe... I know my co-workers would have a field day with my dim nature these days and my forgetfulness, and the debilitating fatigue which habitually turns to outrageous irritability.  hhmmm... I don't think I would last long back at the office, not ready yet. LOL They would eat me alive!!  Or I would eat them  Aaarrrghhhhhh!  ;-) 

I have been trying to think of how to explain the type of fatigue I am experiencing... cancer friends please feel free to comment!  It is some unique heavy-in-the-bones feeling that just stops me in my tracks at any moment.  I DO push myself all the time - I am more active now (especially with puppy and kid on crutches!?) than I have been in a year.  But there are days when there is just not a drop of energy left in any single one of my cells. At noon!!

It is physical but also mental, it is what makes me shy away from visiting at this time.  It is not that I don't WANT to visit my friends I haven't seen in forever... it's just that I CAN'T.  Yes, there is such a thing as can't, I know, because I am living it.  
I am easily (unexpectedly!) overwhelmed, especially by noise and commotion.  And usually I hide it, but suffer over it later. 
I DO push myself all the time, and it barely covers the bases.  I have to pace my activities and my timelines. If I had a full staff of housecleaner, cook, gardener, chauffeur, timekeeper, executive assistant, problem-solving Mother bandaid-applying stand-ins then I'd be laughing!  Yes please sign me up for visits in between my naps and lymphedema massages.  hey...this actually doesn't sound like a bad idea........

At the end of June I had my seventh of eight pacmen (ipilimumab) treatments, and at the time I had planned to write a blog post about how quickly time had flown.  I was being hard on myself for all of the things I had not accomplished that I thought I should have in that three month time span.  

Instead I turned my attention to all of the things I HAD accomplished, namely adopting our lovely chocolate lab puppers, getting some work done on my little house, and getting the girls through their very difficult school year of the awful grade seven. 

I had planned to list them but never did write it, somewhere between the insomnia and the broken ankle (Cassie's, not mine!) I have lost track of time and I am now closer to my next treatment than my previous one?  And my NEXT dose of CT scan water stuff.... bleccchhhhhhhh

 





<--- This is them, "encouraging" me to drink my huge bottle of hateful CT stuff while they drink their Pellegrino. *sigh*  ;-)











In any case, I have plenty of photos of what I have been spending my precious time on.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I have:

First off - hummingbirds!  I have never had a hummingbird feeder of my own, and one item on my summer bucket list was to get one, and more importantly, host a birdie at it.  Sure enough.. a few short days after I hung it for the first time, I got one!  We have a little hummingbird that visits every morning and every night (as long as I keep the liquid inside clean and fresh).  I managed to snap a little pic of him the other evening - not great quality but still, my first and happiest bucket list item - check! 

In May I had the electrical work done in my house that I have wanted to do for 12 years.  New electrical panel and all matching outlets all operational, modern, and safety-approved.  Happy camper!  

We did get away for a tiny camping trip, courtesy of Grandma and Grandpa Richardson we loaded up 3 kids, one dog, and all of our gear into 1.5 vehicles and took off to the land of no cell service.  It was great while it lasted...

Sadly this is where Cass had her longboarding accident and broke her leg, ending the trip in an operating room in Owen Sound.  

I have been teaching the girls Ukrainian, reading writing and spoken.  They are taking to it like fish to water.  :-)

I have been planning for a little renovation of our kitchen, including new cabinetry with drawers that will be easier for me to use, and new flooring without the grooves in it that trip up my heavy leg.  That should be happening in early Fall so stay tuned LOL  Here is a teaser of the flooring, cabinetry and countertop:

The girls had a little yard sale and lemonade stand one Saturday morning.  Went well and they did a great job!  Even got up at ssiixxxx  aaaaa mmmmmmmmm to set up.  Needless to say we did all nap in the afternoon that day. 

The other day I had an Arborist/crew in to properly prune the big trees on my property.  Another job that has been waiting for 12 years!  I am so excited to report that the trees are properly trimmed and are forecasted to continued healthy growth into the future.  Take a look at the before and after pics of our back yard-maker:

Oh and another bit of excitement here, Claire went on a trip out west with Scott!  They left last Sunday all loaded for deliveries in Winnipeg, Regina, and Saskatoon, then they loaded cattle in Alberta and they are now on their way home. She seems to be having a great time, Cassie and I have received countless giggly phone calls at all times of the day.  Scott may be ready for a break from pop music by the time they get home tomorrow? ;-)  

<---- I'm told she was allowed to get actually IN the truck LOL

Off they go!  --->

It has been an excellent experience for her, I have dubbed her the world-traveller and told her she now understands Canadian time zone changes better than I do (Saskatchewan is different in summer and winter apparently?). 

I have had a glorious (quiet) few days with Cass all on my own - the longest Claire and Cassie have ever been apart!  Our stress levels have decreased a bit, we have been able to bond with each other and the dog and cat, only having to agree with each other about our dinner menu (no three other bodies to interfere!) 

Just kidding... but we have had fun, and though I wasn't able to slip away on a little holiday this weekend I do not regret it, as I have been able to soak up my Cassandra.  We have had a couple days of movie marathons as well, she is a horror film buff, and TRULY one now that she has seen The Shining and Psycho! We watched those and then cleansed our scared souls with 80's comedies and romantic French films.

   

It will be nice to have everyone back under one roof next week... thankfully I go to Toronto and Barrie!!  ;-)   

The rest of the summer should be quieter..?  But we shall see.  Above all I hope to get to some writing.  And get Cass back on her feet, and keep from going broke with back to school shopping, and get some visiting in...  And and and...  

Two months away from blogging...

...and all I can come up with is I HATE CANCER.  I am so sick of it, and it is pissing me off! I seem to be stuck in some purgatory juggling fear, guilt, and treatment side effects with the need to accomplish everyday tasks in a busy family household.  

I haven't been communicating very much, as many friends have asked me about, and I have the same answer for everyone: It's not you, it's ME.  

I am busy, tired, and grumpy, and I do not want to continuously burden my friends with that negative energy.  It's been more than a year now for pete's sake!! Will it ever end?? I am pretty open about my feelings and I am decent at being bitchy when required, but it is not my preference to stomp around cranky 24-7, though, as my family can attest, that is typically how it has been these days.  

As I have mentioned before, I try to live by the old adage "If you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all."  But I have also been encouraged recently by friends and loved ones to express my emotions, and acknowledge them and request that others acknowledge them. 

Harder than it sounds.  

Every fibre in my body just wants to take off for parts unknown, start fresh, forget this whole cancer thing and MOVE ON.  

It is NOT a reflection on those around me, it is simply where I'm at right now.  To look at me you would not know that I am in treatment for cancer and struggling with every detail that entails (or at least that's what everyone says when they see me). 

Thyroid cancer has left me with symptoms that slam me in the face daily, and melanoma haunts my every thought and ambition. I can't even move without these reminders, and I am having trouble accepting that that is it, this is the rest of my life.  Pity party perhaps, but reality for me nonetheless.  

I don't want to talk about it, and I try not to, but I find I just carry this cloak with me everywhere I go and share this cloud with anyone who dares to ask me how I am feeling.  

I want to hear how you are doing too!  But I am afraid I can't contain my crap and absorb your good stuff.  I am tired.

My friend reminded me the other day that summer vacations tend to have this effect on me, and I suppose that is true.  I love spending time with my kiddos, but the disruption in our daily/weekly routine with 2.5 teenagers and their friends daily take its toll on my nerves.  LOL  

I seem to be back in the stay-at-home-Mom role at this point in my life, and I appreciate that opportunity of course, but the career-woman in me balks at the daily sink full of dishes.  Mothers of young families have no time to themselves.  At least the school year brings a six hour per day reprieve, or going to work brings a change of scenery and pace.  Of course I am not making an official complaint - my disclaimer is that yes yes I am happy to have a healthy happy loving family blah blah blah. Thank you.  ;-)

Speaking of healthy, or UNhealthy rather... Cassie broke her leg and ankle while we were away camping three weeks ago.  She crashed her longboard and snapped her tib and fib, foot hanging at a weird angle, and required surgery in Owen Sound to repair it with a plate and several screws. 

Her Dad stayed with her overnight in hospital so that Claire and I could get our camping gear home and cleaned up, crutch-proof the house and stock up on the likes of ginger ale to soothe Cassie's post-anesthesia upset tummy.  She is now starting to feel a bit better and is getting around more.  She had her cast removed and is in an air-boot now (conveniently we had one from Claire's ankle break last fall!?) so she can try to move the ankle a bit, although she is still three weeks away from attempting weight-bearing.  

Health-wise for me there is not much news.  I have had my regular bloodwork checkups and I have more this coming week.  I don't know why I ever worried about not being able to be a blood donor anymore, plenty of my precious blood seems to be finding it's way into other people's hands.  I had my seventh ipilimumab treatment in June as scheduled, and my CT scan reports came back with no new metastasis(spread) which is good news. That's my three month pass.  That's all I get, three months at a time. 

Bloodwork has been okay, at one point I dabbled in dangerously low calcium levels but remedied that quickly with an adjustment in prescription. Otherwise thyroid levels are okay, but given my fatigue and weight gain I feel there is still some adjusting to do to the medication, I will see doc this week after bloodwork to keep working on it.  Eight months since thyroidectomy, one would expect to still be having problems? 

Melanoma-wise my last treatment is in September, wow time flies.  I will write more about that in another post.  But medically-speaking not much new to report. My side-effects have varied with each treatment, and this round the tummy trouble isn't as bad but the insomnia is crazy.  Like Chinese water torture I imagine, not being able to sleep when you really want to is unbearable.  It affects everything, including what I suspect encompasses my mood and emotional and mental symptoms.  

I have read that depression and stress disorders are common alongside melanoma diagnosis, but I'm not sure if I am ready to talk about that or explore it on this blog.  I know I am "not myself these days," and I know "I have so much going on in my body" and I have "to be gentle with myself" and "take one day at a time"   I assure you, I am trying. 

Thanks for listening and for bearing with my dark cloud cloak and constant "Shhh" sign on my door and rejection of invitations to socialize.  I hope to return to normal or adjust to "my new normal" soon, and in the meantime I spend all of the energy I do have on the bare necessities. And getting out of bed in the morning.   

Article & Photos © Natalie Richardson

Learn Something New Every Day

It occurred to me today, when I sent a thank-you text to a friend who gave me some fresh quail eggs for my birthday, that I have more than ever been living by the old adage "learn something new every day."  I have always kept that phrase in the back of my mind, and I try to point out to the girls as well the importance of keeping an open mind and being receptive to new concepts.  

From my cancer experience I have learned that I need to practice the "just get one thing done today" method of survival in times of stress (I consider being in treatment for cancer one big long stint of stress). I can't remember who told me that years ago, a therapist? my Mom? a friend coping with a terrible divorce?  Just get one thing done every day.  If you end up doing more than that then Bonus!  If not, then that one thing was your accomplishment, and you can celebrate it (or just heave a sigh of relief and fall back into bed).  

So often we run on fast-forward mode for hours, days, weeks on end? In North American society in particular.  Why am I so drawn to Italian culture and the European way of life?  Because I know that it is not healthy to run run run... we need peace.  Space.      Contemplation.           Rest.  

Exercise yes, accomplishment yes, but pack every moment of every day FULL of work, activity, people, texts, correspondence, amusement, education - NO. Stop!  Take a moment to stop to smell the roses. Or take a moment to learn why the Leaning Tower of Pisa leans (Italians too busy taking afternoon naps..?)

Take a moment to learn how to plant the roses.  Chop an onion a different way, or sing a new song.  Ask your kids what one new thing they learned in school today.  Take a moment and appreciate that you just learned something new, you are able to absorb and appreciate your surroundings.  

I have become conscious of my determination to "do one thing" every day, but I have also noticed a pattern of my "learn one new thing" every day too.  Teehee - does that mean I have actually done two things per day? yahoo that IS a bonus!  :-)

Today I learned that I enjoy quail eggs.  I love eggs anyway, and I often bought turkey eggs when I worked at the 100 Mile Market, but quail I have seen only on the food channel.  How thoughtful that my friends shared some of their wee eggs with me as a gift, almost a shame to eat them.  (But we SO did!)

Yesterday I learned that my puppy likes pieces of apple that drop on the floor when I am cutting them. And.. he too needs a Monday-afternoon nap after a three-day birthday-celebration weekend.

One day last week I learned that the wheels on a longboard are called "trucks."  And another day I learned  how to properly place the hoses on my new vacuum so it works like a charm. (I have a reputation for killing vacuums - by accident! - so I bought myself one that is lightweight/cordless/powerful and that I thought I couldn't screw up. HA.  At least this one has a warranty)

At my last CT scan I learned exactly what to wear so as to not have to change into a hospital gown for the procedure.  

At my last consultation with my medical oncologist I learned that the ipilimumab treatment I am receiving can cause the kind of lymph node enlargement we are seeing on my scans (wow, that may have been handy to know sooner?).   

On the fourth day after adopting my dog I learned that I can indeed get over my constant hand-washing "thing" which was bordering on OCD - and wearing the skin off my fingers!?

Tomorrow apparently I will be learning how to cook a pork tenderloin on a Traeger LOL  Some things you learn by surprise, some you plan to learn, and some things you procrastinate on until your neighbour takes you by the hand and shows you how to do it (in hopes that you will be hooked and need to buy one?).  ;-)  I love to BBQ flame-grilled meats and veggies, but I do also like to learn new things so hey, if I can learn how to make those bacon-wrapped dill pickles my friend makes then SOLD!  I'm in.  Yes, I did say bacon-wrapped dill pickle.  Don't judge, it's amazing. 

Think I will do these too:

Think I may blog more about food too?  I am truly exploring my interests these days, trying to find that inner peace I have always been seeking, trying to find the meaning, and enjoy the experiences that come my way.  I am pretty spoiled in the grand scheme.  That is nothing new but it is something I have learned. LOL  

Thank you to everyone for your continued love and support, and for the amazing birthday surprises, messages, and  hugs.  I am 39 now, I still have a lot to learn, and I will try to do so every day. 

Oh and PS ~ This is the cat learning something new:  hahaha ...

Article © Natalie Richardson 2015

Parenting, with Cancer

Or should it be called, Cancer, while Parenting... I work on this every day, both of those words are my number one priority.  One I chose to be such, one I did not choose.  Both take all of my energy and devotion, I constantly learn from both, both have changed me in ways I may never even fully understand.  

This time of year is always extremely busy for the girls and I.  With spring weather arrives renewed chores outdoors, a bunch of birthdays in our family, and the final push in school to get everything done before report card time.  May and June have been a write-off in my books for a few years now.  I used to have control over the pace of our activities this time of year, ie. annual girls' weekend up north?  But now I fully participate in helping drag my girls to the finish line... more A's on those French Immersion report cards and lots of pats on the back. Almost summer vacation then a well-deserved sigh of relief.   

We started May with a busy Toronto blast, which I thoroughly enjoyed. It was fantastic to be able to take my girls and teach them Toronto and hang out behind the scenes of a morning television news show and meaningful publicity event.  It was a busy reminder that the entire world is our childrens' school.  

Since that crazy first week of May we have slowed things down a bit, brought focus back to our household, got our new puppy, celebrated the girls' 13th birthday.  Yes, 13.

Last year I missed Claire and Cassie's birthday, I was on strict bedrest, two weeks post-surgery. Worst weekend of my life.  I missed the annual sleepover bash we have here, and the entire time I was missing it I was afraid it was my last time to see the girls have a birthday.  I was afraid for my life.  

All of my experiences are now peppered with that fear, or that perspective.  I am "positive-thinking" yes, I know I know... but the reality of the situation calls for me to make decisions very carefully, things are different now.  I no longer approach situations as my former immortal self who may occasionally have been  impulsive.  I have to see the big picture, all the time.  No wonder I am always so tired! 

When making decisions now I have to weigh both sides of the equation, will I be here for the outcome of this?  Or will I not be here for it?  

Financial choices, career goals, home renovations, getting a dog, all of the every day dealings of a normal middle-class adult are on my mind, as they are on the minds of my friends and peers.  

But for me it goes one step further.... do I get a dog? When I'm gone will my family want to be saddled with that burden too? (Yes, the girls will have Reese as a reminder of me and how close we are)  

Should I renovate my kitchen; spend that money now? (Yes, the kitchen will be more functional and easy for me to use while I am here and then will be nice and complete for the girls to inherit)  These are every day dilemmas for me.  

A couple of my friends have criticized me for the negative overtone with which I phrase these questions to myself and others: they say everyone has those worries, that any of us could be hit by a bus one random day.  Aha yes, you could, I could, we all could, but in the meantime I can't be frivolous with my decisions as I live with melanoma.

I have always been a "seize the day" type of person, and in some ways that trait is there now even more than before, I have to reign in my habitual desire to participate in reckless behaviour - I may live long enough to regret the reckless?  On the other hand I feel bored by the level of responsibility I force myself to put on everything I do - must live for today!  But also must pave the way for a successful future, for myself and for my children... as has always been my goal, despite the sometimes bumpy roads I have chosen along my journey. 

These thoughts greatly shape my parenting these days.  I strive to teach my daughters to be adventurous and ambitious and live for today!  But I also must teach them to be conscientious of their futures and how every one of their decisions affect their lives.  

Recently they have encountered some family conflict regarding time missed from school this year.  Their grades are great and they are busy with school-community and extra-curricular activities, very well-rounded kids.  But they (I) have received criticism for their extra missed days this year.  Because of "my cancer" they have missed some school.  I beg to differ:  because of the LIFE EXPERIENCE they are gaining right now, they have missed some school.  Plus the usual snow days and sicks days I might add, wasn't just me...but I digress...

They are not behind in their work, they always stay caught up at home when called for, we work closely with their teacher in that regard.  Their health is mostly okay, some typical 13-year-old-girl ailments slow us down here and there but given their big picture they pretty much rock everything they do.  (well, except for keeping their rooms clean LOL)

So how do I encourage them to be true to themselves and do what they want, and listen to their feelings and trust themselves, and make smart choices, and still take some time to relax, know when to call it when they are tired, not stress out too much over the small stuff?  

There are books written about all of that ...Don't Sweat the Small Stuff is a saying I grew up with and now it is on coffee tables everywhere.  It is that popular for a reason:  everyone needs to learn to relax, don't sweat the small stuff!  

BUT still be conscious of the big stuff.  Find balance.  Find peace.  Be confident in yourself and respect your own needs. Trust yourself.   Be gentle with yourself.  

Ahhhhhh... how much easier that would be to do if we lived in our own little bubble and didn't have the rest of the crap to deal with. 

The kids will be home soon from their weekend, we are having prime rib roast for supper with fresh asparagus and baby red potatoes; I am teaching them to cook in between all of this parenting and cancering.  :-) They are recording their favourite recipes in the Mother-Daughter cookbooks I got them; we are filling up on memories and traditions that they can cherish now and take with them into the future.  Then I think we will take Reese for an evening walk on the beach and maybe light some sparklers.  Then start again tomorrow.

Happy Birthday Claire and Cassandra! xoxoxo

A new "leash" on life

Occasionally when I am quiet it means I am up to no good.  ha ha  I have been quiet lately, but it is up for interpretation as to whether not it is for the purpose of evil.  

I have a dog.  Yes, I adopted a puppy: a gorgeous and super-intelligent chocolate Lab who won my heart the first time he sat on my foot and waggled his floppy ears at me.  Love at first sight (and sniff, of the liver treats in my pocket wink wink).

We have had almost three weeks together.  Three very busy weeks.  He came to us fully trained, house trained, obedient, hand commands even! and he puts the ball directly in my hand every time he wants to play fetch (for an hour at a time!)  He is energetic but also very chill... he seems to know when I need to slow down.

His name is Reese.  He is my chocolate shadow.  Leave it to me to get a "foodie" dog, and leave it to us to name him a foodie name.  Cass tried to fight it, but we had to... our entire family adores Reeses Pieces and peanut butter cups and Gunner, Bandit, and Andy as names just did not suit our Reese.  MY Reese.  :-)

I have been thinking about getting a dog for a while, of course the girls have been bugging for... about... ohhhhhh.. how long have they been alive??  I wanted a pup but not baby, a relaxed dog but with energy to take me for walks every day, a medium-sized not any particular breed but a connection with my heartstrings.  and BINGO!  Found him.  In Collingwood, via kijijii.  

He is not too large for our cozy house; at nine months-ish he is almost full-grown, apparently his parents were small.  He is super social, learns quickly, sits DOWN while his food bowl is being filled (who does THAT around here??), and he loves everyone who comes into this house.  He has a serious foot fetish. He passed Claire and Cassie's crazy busy birthday party with flying colours, loves car rides, campfires, the park, the beach, kids, cats, dogs, men, women, children, devouring tennis balls and spitting them on the carpet, everything! 

Love this dude, he is a rock star.  Practically speaks to me (no really, it is NOT chemo brain this time!); Reese is very intuitive and he gets even better every day.

I am thinking he will be a big part of my ongoing physical and mental rehabilitation/recovery.   

Okay baby pics here we go! 

 

Tired on the way home from the vet

 Patiently waiting for the all-nighter-birthday-girls to wake up

 New bone

Wore a patch of fur off his nose from his giant bone gift from Baba & GeeGee! 

DOG WITH A BLOG?  :-D  teehee I couldn't help myself!  ;-)

I want to give an honourable mention to our other pets as well... Fibbs the cat is almost nine years old, most visitors we have don't even know that a cat resides here.  She is super shy and not a major fan of Reese.  YET.  But she is warming up to him and has even been seen in the same room as him a few times already this weekend!  She will come around, I know it.  

Also last summer, we got a hamster.  I have always wanted a hamster believe it or not, and this little guy Leo (named after Leonardo DiCaprio - yes, the girls had a "Titanic" phase last summer), has not disappointed!  

He is adorable and super social, we maul him all the time.  He loves honeydew melon, pea shoots, and running in his wheel all night long.  He may or may not have been last summer's start at testing the kids' responsibility/abilities with a pet... don't tell them how long I have really been thinking about getting a dog, they think they talked me into it three weeks ago! ;-)   My favourite thing about Leo is how he uses his "hands" to take treats from my hands, he is super CUTE n fuzzy. 

These animals are an integral part of our family.  Fibbs, Leo, and Reese bring their own personalities, moods, skills, benefits, comic relief, reasons for cleaning up, and most of all their love... to our family.   They enhance my life and that of our children, and I am increasingly grateful for each of them.

~ In loving memory of ... Tootsie, my pet turtle of 25 years ~