Lunch Kits

I would like to start an informal poll, for all of the mothers out there who share in the daily struggle of providing their children with the Meals For School Time.  To Pack, or Not to Pack?  Dads too - my apologies to those of you who DO participate in this somewhat tedious ritual - I'm sure you are out there...

Ahhh the lunch kit, from junior kindergarten until ....?  It is our responsibility to send our dear offspring to their daily grind with a box full of nutritious food that will sustain them throughout their entire day of learning and play.   

It has to be durable, be fresh, be quickly accessed and consumed, be healthful, be without excess litter, be without contaminants to other children, it has to last through two lunch breaks in the school day, it has to hold their attention throughout the entire school year, and it cannot be laden with sugar, sodium, preservatives, plastics, artificial colours or flavours, oh yes and it has to hit all the food groups according to the Canada Food Guide sent home from the school or the kids are criticised by the school staff but if it's too healthy they are criticised by their peers - AGH! No wonder I have grey hair.  

We are in our ninth school year, surely we have the hang of it by now.  Not quite - every year the end of June brings rejoice from the kids for the end of school-confined days.  Notebooks in the air, backpacks in the closet, battered thermal bags once rainbow coloured now sticky and worn are buried under the used-up gym shoes...never to be seen again! 

Celebration also rings out from the kitchen as I dance around shouting YEAH NO MORE LUNCH KITS! Great report cards girls woohoo-- now a two-month reprieve from small greasy dip containers in the sink and groans over yet another wrap MOM.

Inevitably, September rolls around again and we are back to the bag lunch; end of summer freedom, stress-free picnics and platters of snacks on the go for busy kids.  Watermelon on the beach is apparently WAY better than watermelon cut up in a container, it is always mushy or bland, same with raspberries: no no, that 15 bucks worth of fresh berries is sugarless coulis by the time it spends the morning in the backpack container.  Fragile fruit does not suffer well the grade-school traveler.  

Salad? Soggy.  Veggie sticks? A fortune in dips.  Boiled egg? Allergens.  Cold meats? Nitrates.  Sandwiches? Not for my Lovelies.  The list goes on... I have consulted every cookbook and website imaginable for tips and tricks. 

Over the years I have sent everything possible, home made every option just to go back to varying with store bought goodies, have even have talked my kids into "liking" cold leftovers from dinner. Many times. 

We have brainstormed, argued, and grocery shopped together, I have asked the kids to make the lists, I have even sent the kids into the STORE with my debit card!  

And really, they are not picky eaters, it is just the limits for what stands the test of the lunch kit - it can bring an iron mother down.

After much coaching, some expensive mini cans of sodium-light V8 juice in the fridge, and a weekly pot of homemade soup for the thermoses, the girls finally became 100% in charge of packing their own lunches. Grade five, and sin of sins, I transitioned them into being solely responsible for the task.  Of course I still needed to be on top of the timing for running out of granola bars even when the empty box remained in the pantry to be mysteriously discovered while I was putting away the groceries I had just bought! (minus said granola bars)

There was even a time not that long ago when I worked early mornings, left for work before the girls awoke, and they were ultimately incumbent for their day's provisions.  They didn't mind, after some grumbling and a few hungry afternoons they began to trust my advice and seven and a half years experience in lunch kit packing, and they rationed out their supplies like good little growing soldiers.  This went on for a good year or so, and then... 

I got cancer.   
                 I regressed... 
                                 things changed, and I am now home much of the time.

Somehow I have landed myself back in the hot seat.  I was up at 6 a.m. today bagging muffins and washing strawberries before basketball practice.  Me. Coffee getting cold, hair sticking up, holding yogurt cups calling out "blueberry or vanilla?" to the almost-teens in the bathroom.  

What have I done??

Please understand, I love my daughters to no end, and it is because of this love and deep concern for their future well-being that I feel it is an important aspect of my role to teach them independence.  Surely once a child reaches the age where they complain about washing the dishes from the meal they ate, they can be active participants in the tasks involved in feeding them all damned day. 

But I love buttering muffins and washing strawberries (I don't think they wash them!?)... and I'm here anyway, resting, drinking my coffee, "being present in the moment" and "making the most out of life."  I may as well be practical while I'm just hanging around!  

They didn't ask me to do it, and I don't feel obligated, but it is a funny situation to be doing it again, and as I sip my now cold coffee after the stress of them running out the door, I wonder where the shift occurred.  

Is it because I just love them so much, or because there is likely only one more grade after this to pack lunches in anyway so why not just enjoy it?  Is it because I want to make their lives just that little bit easier now that they have extra stress imposed upon them by my health problems?  Or because I can't stand the bickering and butt-dragging that goes along with most chores for a teenager?  Perhaps because I just need to keep my hands busy or I'll go nuts?  

Likely all of those things!  

But... Have I done something bad?  Have they pulled one over on me and one day my grandchildren will curse my name because their mothers do not know how to pack proper lunches for school?? 

Or will the girls and I be happy that we got to spend this time together again, me at home with them, me being their mother again.  Me not exactly teaching them how to balance work and home, but at least them having clean strawberries and a fresh chicken ceasar wrap.  I don't know what the answer is, but I do laugh at myself now, about the lunch kit stress that has plagued us for years.  

Please feel free to remind me when they don't even eat lunch anymore because they're "too cool" in high school, that I loved these cold coffee mornings. That I regret not being at work and the reason for me not being at work, but that I do not regret every morning fitting all of their little containers and ice packs like puzzle pieces in their matching lunch kits.  The privilege of keeping the pantry clean of empty boxes can remain all mine; in exchange I get kisses on the cheek and sweet voices saying "Thanks Mom."

Article © Natalie Richardson 2015

Lymph Nodes

What is a lymph node?  As daughter of a nurse, I consider myself pretty knowledgeable about things medical.  Since last April however, I have asked at least a half a medical degree worth of questions, and honestly, the first one was "What is a lymph node?" 

My Mom had always mentioned them when I was sick and said they helped defend my body against the bad guys, and when I had mono in my teens I knew I could hardly swallow because my lymph nodes were swollen. 

I called my ex-husband to tell him that I had just had a needle biopsy of a lymph node and he said "Oh no...."  He has had some extensive cancer experience as well, and he was able to give me a layman's terms description of a lymph node: it circulates stuff in your body, there are hundreds of them, they are like long strings of little beads, and body stuff flows along them or through them?  I could tell by his tone that if the lymph nodes are involved, I may at some point wish I had gotten that mole checked earlier.

Let me hit the dictionary:

Lymph node ~ any of the glandlike masses of tissue in the lymphatic vessels containing cells that become lymphocytes.

Lymphocyte ~ a type of white blood cell having a large, spherical nucleus surrounded by a thin layer of nongranular cytoplasm.

Lymph ~  a clear yellowish, slightly alkaline, coagulable fluid, containing white blood cells in a liquid resembling blood plasma, that is derived from the tissues of the body and conveyed to the bloodstream by the lymphatic vessels.

Here is the least gross diagram I can find to show you:

<---- a bunch of these words are on my surgical reports

Lymph nodes are small, bean-shaped organs of the lymphatic system. The lymphatic system circulates the interstitial fluid called lymph to the body cells and tissues. It also collects waste substances from the bloodstream. Lymph contains white blood cells (WBCs) as its major component. It is more or less similar to the blood plasma. Lymph nodes, on the other hand, are made up of various types of cells and tissues, of which WBCs and lymphoid tissues are more abundant.
Read more: Great article about lymph nodes

Okay I find this super gross, I just spent too much time googling lymph node images - I guess I now know what they look like when they are removed from the body YUCK  I preferred not knowing that about myself!  My surgeons are gross!! I love them but wow-- I am amazed that people would want to do that to someone... blech ick yuck.. 

Apparently there are 500-600 little pea-to-bean sized lymph nodes in the body, sounds like a lot. 

In May I had 13 removed from my lower right abdomen/groin (inguinal), and in December I had 37 removed from my throat/neck/collarbone (supraclavicular). 

Doesn't sound like too many (there were more stitches and staples involved in sewing me back up than number of nodes removed), amazing the damage caused. I have numbness, nerve damage, weird scars, and a puffy right leg, I guess those little nodes were important to get out.

No wonder I freak out now when I see my CT scan reports!

Not to be confused with Lymphoma (a group of blood cell tumors that develop from lymphocytes), my 6/13 melanoma-infected nodes and 10/37 metastatic-papillary-carcinoma-infected nodes are evidence of cancer spreading from the primary sites: skin mole and thyroid, respectively.  Much of this was visible on the CT scans and ultrasounds prior, and as I have elaborated before it is what we watch for on scans every three months.  

I had a great discussion with my family doctor yesterday, and she explained more about the nodes I will be asking my oncologist about next Monday.  She said that the "enlarged" nodes described on the scan report released last week are not enlarged to a size that is cause for great alarm.  

The nodes are larger than they were on the prior scan, but they are still an acceptable size.  Ah okay, phew.  I did not know I still had nodes left in my neck/throat, the surgeon told me he removed them all - he may have been generalizing?? The way Dr. was feeling around my throat yesterday made me think she understood the report and knew where to feel. I am still puzzled as to how they learn this stuff.

She poked around and said everything feels fine (it has all along, just for the record), and that it is reasonable to expect that the remaining nodes will swell, as they are now carrying the entire workload since their dearly departed neighbours were evicted.  They may have been a bit swollen before the surgery, but they will really be working now as they are the only ones left in there.  

Dr. also explained that they can tell by CT scan what kind of swelling there is present, ie. calcification, tumour cell groupings, etc.  Apparently they look different from each other, usually by scan they can tell if a swollen node is suspicious or not.  My currently swollen nodes do not look like that.  Double phew.  

So, I will confirm all of this next week at Sunnybrook, but in the meantime I am interested to learn more about the mysterious little lymph node.  I wonder how many we have to spare?  Apparently I have lost an average amount expected for these kinds of surgeries, so... whatever that means? I know one thing, it means I have to get my butt over to the lymphedema clinic in Owen Sound to get working on my achy puffy leg.  More on that when I actually get there.

Dr. and I agreed that one month from now, once I have had the radioactive-iodine therapy to kill off any remaining thyroid tissue (cancerous or not), we will feel confident that thyroid cancer is behind us and we can focus on the melanoma.  Yep... that's right, one month from right now, there will be laser beams coming out of my fingertips.  

Yes... it may seem like I have lost it... I might have to go blog about gardening or something - I just can't get those lymph images out of my head!

 

Alternative Treatments

Alternative treatments for cancer are not universal, just as "big pharma" treatments for cancer are not universal.  I have nodular melanoma (stage3b, invasive), and papillary thyroid cancer.  Every case is unique, every patient has a unique set of circumstances, they are not treated the same way - whether a patient approaches it with a doctors help or the "natural" way, or as a wholistic approach combining more than one theory.

I want to address this today as it is a topic that is often brought to my attention - as if I don't think about it enough myself?  Everyone has their theories and misconceptions about how to handle this scary beast.  And I know everyone wants to help, and I appreciate it!

A common thought about cancer is that it is all about tumours, shrinking them, removing them, some radiation and/or chemo and you're done, it's gone and you move on.  And hey, in lots of cases that is what happens.

Unfortunately though, more often than not, that is not the case.  Advanced cancer or metastatic cancer such as the one I have, is already in the lymph system, it may spread to an organ and cause a tumour or detectable lesion etc, or it may not.  It doesn't "go dormant."  It doesn't "go away."  It is here to stay.  That is a fact.

Invasive nodular melanoma, that is what I have... it is not hormonal, it's likely not genetic, it's not removeable, and it's not able to be monitored or tested for by bloodwork or iris readings or hair samples or other such tests; it is not visible until it shows up on a CT scan.  It is silent, that is how I got it in the first place - was feeling fine remember?? Chance.  That is the current known information and status of malignant melanoma.

I am not trying to be depressing or dramatic, I just feel the need to share with you what I have learned in the past ten months -  it is a huge situation.   I don't expect everyone to understand. 

I am learning through communication with fellow patients that they too had and experience from their friends and loved ones and acquaintances:  the comments and questions about "when it is all over," "when it is gone," "you are a survivor," "you will fight this" etc.  That may be true, we are currently survivors and we are fighting it, but sometimes it's just not that clear cut. 

That is one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place, was to share what I know, primarily to keep my family friends and supporters informed (because I like to write - and I am largely allergic to the phone LOL), but also to document my journey and work things through on "paper."

If you know what I know, then you may feel better about it, you may be more understanding or less critical, of me, or of the medical system, or of whatever it is that caused this stupid situation in the first place. Whether it be my sun-loving history OR conspiracy theories that big oil and pharmaceutical companies are poisoning our population OR a genetic mutation that just happened to pick me... we will never know.  But if I tell you what I know about MY case, you may understand better what is going on.

I know I had no clue prior to my diagnosis - I was always afraid of cancer.  My only fear in life actually, was to get cancer. True story.  But... I have had a couple of family members get it treat it and beat it, and they inspire me every day.  (even though I am poor at keeping in touch - I love you and I am grateful for your encouragement, I will be a bull in a china shop, I promise - also cuz I know you'll come up here and kick my ass if I don't!)  ;-)

It will be an ongoing battle, long-term, however that may be defined.

In any case, what I need to discuss today is the myriad of helpful advice I receive about things to try, in order to beat cancer.  I won't discuss each one in depth, geez I already blab on long enough... but I will give you the list of suggestions, and some websites I have found discussing each one.

I have cancer, but it is a specific, not relatively common type of malignant melanoma.  I can't stress that enough - they are all different, I do not have breast cancer or leukemia or toe cancer (although melanoma is common in the foot and I have a mole between my toes that we are keeping an eye on, oh yeah baby, I like to keep things interesting all right). 

I ran to my Naturopathic Doctor when I was first diagnosed, as I have always leaned to the "Green" side of things.  If you recall I did spend a few years as a dairy-free vegetarian (felt great on that by the way, except for the missing steak problem), I worked to bring awareness to environmental issues and support of the local food movement, I helped create a farmers market in the part of Cambridge where we lived for seven years, I am aware of the risks of wi-fi and electrical/cellular device usage (I even lost a friendship over that battle) - I am not as green as I once was, but I will bore you with that another time.

My Naturopath was extremely helpful and she continues to keep in touch, she even consulted with her oncology pharmacist colleague about my initial diagnosis and test details.  She has given me some great resources and tips - and of course healthy eating is at the top of that list, not a huge problem: I love kale and sweet potatoes and I avoid most sugar, eat my veggies and have increased my water intake tenfold.

In the summer of 2014 however, when I was faced with treatment options after my May 16th groin dissection surgery for melanoma, I had to sit down with my family and my pros and cons list.  I had three choices:

1. Do nothing other than eat well, maybe Juicer time, take natural remedies and take my chances.
2. Radiation and then one year of interferon therapy, the Canadian standard of care for stage 3 melanoma. 
3. Try the clinical trial I was offered at Sunnybrook, which includes a new drug showing promise for treatment of stage 4 melanoma.  And take nothing other than that and what they prescribe.

After much debate and consultation and the painful month of July, I decided for the trial.  Fast forward, you know a bunch of it in between, but now I feel I have explained why I do not pursue alternative treatments at this time.

I am not allowed.  And that was my choice.  And it doesn't mean that I can't try the alternatives AFTER my trial treatments end in September 2015, it just means I can't right now.

For two reasons:

1. They cannot assess the success of the trial drug if the patient is constantly messing around with other factors.  I can eat well, avoid stress, rest, do yoga and meditation, and consume supplements only if approved by them (except I do still take my probiotoics...technically they are contained in foods as well) 
2. It is for MY safety.  Because part of the study is to determine long-term safety for the guinea pigs in the trial, they don't want me taking stuff that could potentially conflict or cause extra harm to my body, specifically organs such as the liver.  I am not permitted to take antioxidant supplements because they can stress the liver, and I am to avoid that while on the trial. Obviously that's why the limited alcohol as well, though I can eat as many blueberries as I want LOL - again, naturally occurring antioxidants are fine.

Throw the thyroid cancer on top of it all and you may understand why I am so bound by what my oncologists say.  I genuinely feel they are my best allies in this fight.  They have the studies to show me the statistics that are relevant to MY disease, the way it is working in my body, and they stuff they know about it.  I am thankful to be on the leading edge of information for invasive nodular melanoma, if I have to be in the pool then I'd better be close to the lifeguard.

Thank you to everyone for their suggestions, I will just throw them out here and you can look into them more fully if you wish.  I will be sure to keep you posted if and when the time comes that I choose to try them.

I will be keeping my eye out for melanoma-specific results from the research and claims on these: 

http://www.healthline.com/health/melanoma-alternative-treatments#4

Marijuana/cannabis/THC - most commonly used for pain management but also lots of rumour about it curing cancer... I am not against it, just not the right fit for me at this time.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2699875/I-cured-cancer-CANNABIS-OIL.html

http://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatmentsandsideeffects/complementaryandalternativemedicine/herbsvitaminsandminerals/marijuana

Circumin/Turmeric - again, I totally see the validity in the claims behind it, but it is a powerful antioxidant I cannot take at this time.

http://www.naturalnews.com/043054_curcumin_antioxidant_cancer_treatment.html

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/cancer/expert-answers/curcumin/faq-20057858

Oxygenated water/Oxygen/Hydrogen therapy - interesting but scary stuff, again, may be helpful with a combination of other factors?

http://www.healingcancernaturally.com/ozone-cancer-treatment.html

http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/hl-vs/iyh-vsv/med/hyper-eng.php

http://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatmentsandsideeffects/complementaryandalternativemedicine/pharmacologicalandbiologicaltreatment/oxygen-therapy

PawPaw

http://www.healingcancernaturally.com/ozone-cancer-treatment.html

http://www.pawpawresearch.com/pawpawworks.html

Juicing/Veganism - love the idea, love love love it, but it just isn't practical for me at this time.

But this is still where I am at right now:

http://www.canadianskincancerfoundation.com/melanoma-treatment.html

http://www.cancer.ca/en/cancer-information/cancer-type/skin-melanoma/treatment/stage-iii/?region=on

http://www.cancer.ca/en/cancer-information/diagnosis-and-treatment/clinical-trials/?region=on

http://impatientpatientmomma.blogspot.ca/2014/11/new-melanoma-treatment-approved.html

And hey, a week from now this could all change, the largest lesson I am receiving from cancer is that it is a roller coaster ride.  In the worst theme park ever.

Computerized Tomography Scan

Being as I have not yet been able to reach my oncologists regarding my last CT Scan reports, and I was not able to see my family physician the other day due to scheduling conflicts, I have been left to my own devices for a few more days awaiting the discussion of my January scan results.  

I did email the reports to my family doc and she let me know she is "not super worried" about them, but I will get more detail next week when I see her.  And if I can't reach my Sunnybrook oncologists by phone or email, then I will be seeing them face to face March 2 anyway. Thoughts of my CT Scans do occupy much of my time, funny (or NOT) how we adapt to our surroundings... prior to April 2014 I had never set foot in a CT scanner!?

(see, it's not quite like the claustrophobic MRI)

Computed tomography (CT) is an imaging procedure that uses special x-ray equipment to create a series of detailed pictures, or scans, of areas inside the body. It is also called computerized tomography and computerized axial tomography (CAT) scanning.

CT scan is a series of cross-sectional X-ray images of the body. These images are used to examine bones and soft tissue for damage or abnormalities.  Often, these images can be combined to create a 3D picture of your body. (Think slicing a loaf of bread)

Although a regular chest X-ray can show the heart and lungs for example, the CAT scan can show the same organs but with detail 100 times greater and with little or no additional irradiation (exposure to radiation)(comparatively speaking).

You get on the little table thing, and it slides back and forth through the doughnut-looking part, upon the technicians' command.  

Let me back up a bit - couple of instructions to prepare for CT scan:

• No food four hours prior to scan (which is why I like my 1pm scans, can have breakfast and coffee by 9am)
• After registration, for an hour and a half prior to the scan, you have to drink a litre of stuff, one styrofoam cup per 15 minutes.  D R r r r A a a a a a aaaaaGGgg S  O U T that hour and a half! YUCK!!  At Sunnybrook it is a sterile water with "Telebrix" stamped on the side of it, though it doesn't taste bad, I have to force it down simply because I know what's in it.  Well, I can't seem find out exactly whats in it? But it is something that makes your insides glow on the scan.  In Collingwood they still use the chalky drink, which tastes worse, but you can chug fast as it is a lesser quantity.  My tummy rebels violently against both.
• At appointment time, you go to the Nurses' station to have IV put in, if contrast dye (also glow-worm material) is required for scan, which in my case of course yes always
• Then you change into hospital gown - at Sunnybrook they are generous and let you use two gowns yeehaw!  Over the course of four scans I have found each time a new piece of clothing I can keep on during scan - which ROCKS.  Being as I live in yoga pants now, they have no metal parts or zippers so I can keep them on.  Tank top too - this last time I learned I can keep everything on except underwire you-know-what!  Awesome news, next time I'll be sports-spandex and cotton head to toe and no need for gown at all. *happy dance*  It's the little things.  (I wish the elderly gentleman sitting across from me in the waiting room who was NOT able to keep his pants on would please not cross his legs, the gowns are short dude) (Also I was a bit annoyed last time when one fellow patient's family member ate an orange while accompanying her charge waiting for the scan... Four hours no food Natalie + waiting time when they are delayed = Please don't eat in front of the fasting patients who had to choke down a bunch of toxic crap and really just want to get the taste out of their mouths!)
• I am told you can have a hard candy while fasting, to help get over the water stuff

When it's your turn, you go into a room (apparently Sunnybrook has three CT scan machines) and get on the table, minus glasses and jewelry.  It is a narrow table, and the technician explains how it will slide back and forth, and connects the IV to the tube with the contrast dye in it.  Couple of spins through that puppy and done!  My head to knee-ish scans take about 25 minutes in total.  

It's reasonably comfortable (especially WITH yoga pants on yay) and the technician takes out the IV while you're still in the room, though in Collingwood there was a recovery room involved.  I was pretty nervous and crying the first time so that was a bad day.  Now I am much better with it, and have the presence of mind to exchange twin-Mom stories with one of the Sunnybrook CT nurses, she has 10-year old identical twin girls, they are gorgeous. 

ANYWAY...... once that is done you are free to go.  And if you ask, you can get a CD copy of your scan images.  I had to do that for my first scan in Collingwood, to take to my Sunnybrook appointments.  I still have it, and have pulled it out today for the purpose of checking it out.  

At my writing support group (which is going well by the way) meeting the other day, one of my new friends happened to comment on how she has become experienced at reading her own CT scan images.  She is five years into her diagnosis and has several CDs now.... hhmmm.... methinks this sounds like something I could get into!   I love a project.  

I was too chicken to look at my own disc before, and I was just saving it for the post-cancer BASH we talk about having - we can play the images on TV to music LOL  Or better yet my handy dandy techie friend with her projector could project them onto the wall!? To the beat of "I Love Myself Today" by Bif Naked? Or Metallica "Ain't My Bitch"  hehe 

OK here goes...

 Hhmmm, that one just looks like blank space to me LOL  I hate to say that, as judging by the pillow-shaped thing under the big blank circle, that must be where my brain is supposed to be?

And this one?  Well, I already knew I had a spine.  

Very cool poking around the disc images, and I can see there are 120-130 images per section, but I couldn't figure out how to convert them to an image that I could put on here so suffice it to say I just photographed these on my laptop screen with my camera.  A career in Radiology is NOT in my future. 

I will ask my Barrie friend how she views her images, there must be a program you can use to get them out of the CD and onto the hard drive?  She told me she can see every lymph node on her scans and if anything is changed from scan to scan, she can grill her oncologist about it.  That is homework for my next group meeting! 

This was a fun excercise - I don't usually like pictures of myself, but these I will learn to handle. 

Of course I wish to write a small disclaimer for those of you who may be wondering what happened to Green Me?  I am still in here... I am unfortunately aware of the risks I am taking by participating in all of these scans and treatments.  Yes I know exposure to radiation is bad.  Yes I know repeated doses of it and a level of excitement over being able to have these types of scans and treatments so frequently is a bit wonky in the big picture. ie:

CT scans deliver a dose of radiation (compared to regular x-rays) that can make people very sick later on down the road (typically 10 to 20 years later).

The CT unit rotates around the body, taking multiple cross-sectional images, so CT scans expose you to far more radiation than a traditional X-ray does. Some examples:
1 CT head scan = 30 chest x-rays
1 CT chest scan =119 chest x-rays
1 CT abdomen scan = 234 chest x-rays
Doses vary depending on the type of scan, the machine itself, and the facility performing it. (Source)

BUT..... it's all I've got to go on at this point.  CT scan is my first-line notification about my melanoma metastasis.  Spy-goggles for re-con mission with the risk of being shot down.  I consciously made the decision last summer to pursue testing and pharmaceutical treatments, at the risk of developing problems down the road.  After much consideration, I realised that if I don't take the risk now, I wouldn't have the down the road anyway. 

Okay... is it Monday yet? I gotta get to the doctors!! LOL

I am an ENTP Gemini Fire Dragon

Google's reminder of it being Chinese--oopsie - now politically correct to say LUNAR-- New Year prompted me to re-read my Chinese Zodiac information, reminding me of some fun stuff I already know about myself.  Over my many years of varied life experiences, several therapists, and some career-related behavioural study of my personality traits, I know the following:

I am an ENTP, Fire Dragon, Gemini - so take THAT cancer!!

I'll start with ENTP as you may not be familiar with this, the least-hocus-pocus assessment of myself  in relation to this posts' subject matter. In my management training at RIM I let the trainers practice their testing on me as we all bonded over a thing called Myers-Briggs testing.  It is interesting, and for upper level management in the Customer Support Operations department at RIM, it was beginning to be implemented in hiring processes. 

ENTP (extroversion, intuition, thinking, perception) is an abbreviation used in the publications of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) to refer to one of sixteen personality types. The MBTI assessment was developed from the work of prominent psychiatrist Carl G. Jung in his book Psychological Types. Jung proposed a psychological typology based on the theories of cognitive functions that he developed through his clinical observations.   ENTPs account for about 2–5% of the population.  (Source)

Portrait of an ENTP - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving

(Extraverted Intuition with Introverted Thinking)  The Visionary

With Extraverted Intuition dominating their personality, the ENTP's primary interest in life is understanding the world that they live in. They are constantly absorbing ideas and images about the situations they are presented in their lives. Using their intuition to process this information, they are usually extremely quick and accurate in their ability to size up a situation. This ability to intuitively understand people and situations puts the ENTP at a distinct advantage in their lives. They generally understand things quickly and with great depth. 

ENTPs are idea people. Their perceptive abilities cause them to see possibilities everywhere. They get excited and enthusiastic about their ideas, and are able to spread their enthusiasm to others. In this way, they get the support that they need to fulfill their visions.

ENTPs are less interested in developing plans of actions or making decisions than they are in generating possibilities and ideas. Following through on the implementation of an idea is usually a chore to the ENTP. For some ENTPs, this results in the habit of never finishing what they start.  The ENTP needs to take care to think through their ideas fully in order to take advantage of them.

The ENTP's auxiliary process of Introverted Thinking drives their decision making process. Although the ENTP is more interested in absorbing information than in making decisions, they are quite rational and logical in reaching conclusions. When they apply Thinking to their Intuitive perceptions, the outcome can be very powerful indeed. A well-developed ENTP is extremely visionary, inventive, and enterprising.

ENTPs are fluent conversationalists, mentally quick, and enjoy verbal sparring with others. They love to debate issues, and may even switch sides sometimes just for the love of the debate. When they express their underlying principles, however, they may feel awkward and speak abruptly and intensely.  The ENTP personality type is sometimes referred to the "Lawyer" type. 

The ENTP "lawyer" quickly and accurately understands a situation, and objectively and logically acts upon the situation. Their Thinking side makes their actions and decisions based on an objective list of rules or laws. If the ENTP was defending someone who had actually committed a crime, they are likely to take advantage of quirks in the law that will get their client off the hook. If they were to actually win the case, they would see their actions as completely fair and proper to the situation, because their actions were lawful. The guilt or innocence of their client would not be as relevant. If this type of reasoning goes completely unchecked by the ENTP, it could result in a character that is perceived by others as unethical or even dishonest. 

The ENTP, who does not naturally consider the more personal or human element in decision making, should take care to notice the subjective, personal side of situations. This is a potential problem area for ENTPs. Although their logical abilities lend strength and purpose to the ENTP, they may also isolate them from their feelings and from other people.

The least developed area for the ENTP is the Sensing-Feeling. If the Sensing areas are neglected, the ENTP may tend to not take care of details in their life. If the Feeling part of themself is neglected, the ENTP may not value other people's input enough, or may become overly harsh and aggressive.  Hunh!  You don"t say?? ;-)

In general, ENTPs are upbeat visionaries. They highly value knowledge, and spend much of their lives seeking a higher understanding. They live in the world of possibilities, and become excited about concepts, challenges and difficulties. When presented with a problem, they're good at improvising and quickly come up with a creative solution. Creative, clever, curious, and theoretical, ENTPs have a broad range of possibilities in their lives.

Phew - OK, if you're still with me, let's have some more fun in my spare time:

Gemini

Gemini are extremely independent. They will not be pinned down by anyone or any rules. They need to experience the world on their own. Change and freedom are extremely important to Gemini, they will never let anyone dictate them, they are extremely independent and freedom is essential to their mental well being.

Gemini make very interesting and exciting friends. They like to leave their mark on everyone they meet. They are very flighty and will disappear for a long time as they meet new friends and explore new places. But when they come back, they will have new thoughts, opinions and interesting things to share and ideas to teach.  They are very generous with their friends, they will spend lots of time with you and share everything with you. Even though Gemini is a social butterfly, they always need time for themselves and that should be respected.

Gemini tends to disperse their energy on different tasks and not just focus on one thing thus leaving a trail of unfinished projects in their wake. If they were to focus their energy in one place, their cleverness and intelligence would allow them to complete their project with success and creativity. 

Gemini makes an excellent manager, they can motivate a team with their enthusiasm and vitality. They also make excellent salespeople because their ease of communication allows them to be clever and make a comeback to anything a person says. They can persuade and manipulate very well. They can easily justify any move they make and explain any action.
 

Gemini have the ability to react instantly to situations, and as a result, they have a very nervous temperament. They can be compared to a wound up spring as they attempt to absorb everything they can about their surroundings at once. The fact that they enjoy various situations and people add to their nervousness and that means they are almost constantly wound up. However, if they experience boredom and have nothing to survey, they get the same emotions, the need for excitement and variety. This is the Gemini duality, constantly conflicting emotions in one spontaneous, excitable package.

One downfall of Gemini is their superficiality. Instead of looking deep into a person's real qualities, Gemini will judge a person by the way they treat them. This can lead Gemini to have wrong impressions of people and can cause problems in relationships. Gemini's can have feeling of discouragement and moodiness although they never allow this to be seen by anyone but their closest friends or family. 

In their deepest heart, a Gemini has a strong insecurity about love and requires a great deal of reassurance.  They are flip-floppy about a lot of things, one moment feeling this way and a few moments later feeling that way.  Being as communicative as they are, you would think they'd express those feelings in some way, and some might, but a Gemini guards their heart tremendously.

Gemini people are many sided, quick both in the mind and physically. They are brimming with energy and vitality, they are clever with words. They are intelligent and very adaptable to every situation and every person. Gemini are curious and always want to know what's going on in the world around them. They are not one to sit back and watch the world go by, they want to be involved. This can sometimes make Gemini nosy, they do not mind their own business! This is because they really enjoy communicating, more so then most other astrology signs, they are the ultimate social butterfly.

Routine and boredom are Gemini's biggest fears. Gemini would rather be naive then know the depressing truth, they do not want anything putting a damper on their freedom or positive energy.  (Source)

And now.... the Dragon.  The year of the Dragon is fifth in the Chinese zodiac. Each year has an animal sign according to a 12-year cycle. Years of the Dragon include 1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012 and 2024.  

Fire Dragon ~ 1916, 1976 ~ Smart, unreliable, and easy-going.

The Dragon’s Personality: Confident, Intelligent...
Among Chinese zodiac animals, the Dragon is the sole imaginary animal. The Dragon is the most vital and powerful beast in the Chinese zodiac, although with an infamous reputation for being a hothead and possessing a sharp tongue. In ancient times, people thought that Dragons could control everything in the world with their character traits of dominance and ambition.

Gifted with innate courage, tenacity and intelligence, dragons are enthusiastic and confident. They are not afraid of challenges, and willing to take risks.

However, the dragon is sometimes regarded as aggressive, and angry dragons are not open to criticism. They don't consider themselves irritating and arrogant. Instead of following tradition, they strive for a smooth future.

Health Tips for "Dragons"
Taking the hardworking nature of Dragons into consideration, they are healthy in general. They may be stressed and suffer from periodic tension, for they like to embrace challenges and take risks.

Older people born in a Dragon year should pay more attention to the liver and gall bladder, blood, intestines, and stomach, while middle-aged and young Dragons should take care of their skin. HHMMM...

Top Jobs or Careers for Dragons
Dragons like to embrace challenges and take risks. Jobs that allow them to test themselves are good choices. Some good careers include: journalist, teacher, inventor, manager, computer analyst, lawyer, engineer, architect, broker, and sales person.

In the search for the ideal partner, dragons might find themselves often hesitating to move forward in a relationship and/or unwilling to make a permanent commitment. When they do, however, it is their intention for it to last. Dragons are likely to have a warm, giving personality. They can be very generous to their loved ones. (Source)

OK!  I've got that out of my system LOL  If you're still reading this, then thank you.. not sure why this struck me as so important and interesting.  Perhaps a fun distraction from all my cranky blogging?  Perhaps a bit of exploration into who I am anymore... I am grieving so many losses and trying to figure out how all of my puzzle pieces fit together.  It has been fun to review the stuff that I have always known about myself.  Thanks for being there for me... and for putting up with my fire-breathing tendencies.  ;-)

PS - The Robert Downey Jr. photo was just for fun! Made my day, figuring out how to incorporate him into my blog!!!  :-P   DO love the movie though, for many reasons. 

Saying Nothing at All

I've always tried to live by the wisdom that if you have nothing good to say, then say nothing at all. Well I stillll have nothing good to say, but today I'm going to say it anyway.  I am cranky, tired, miserable, bitchy, and at this point just plain being dragged through each day.

Thank you to everyone who keeps checking in, and putting up with me giving you either a snarky reply or not answering you at all.  Just saying.  It's not you, it's me.  I told you I planned to sleep away February, so thank you, I am, and I don't really want to talk about it.

General concensus by my medical and family folks is, that I am feeling this way due to the plain-jane thyroid hormone replacement medication I am taking until my radioactive iodine therapy in March, I get bumped up double the hormone pills on March 25, so I am anxiously awaiting that time more than a month away.  My body is still adjusting to the changes it suffered from thyroidectomy in December as well, that is a fact.  

Low hormone, the fact that it is February (and other than sunshiney-vacationing-folks, who fares well in February anyway??), side effects from my pacman treatment, and general depression and malaise side-effects that two kinds of cancer give you while you put all your effort into looking after your kids and trying to recuperate without going insane.  Grrrrr  

Took myself to have bloodwork done yesterday (you can do that when you are an oncology patient who habitually feels like shit and you have an open requisition at the Lab) so that when I see my family doc tomorrow we can study the data and see if there is any relief we can bring me outside of having me committed to a rubber room (or having me mailed to my Mother in Florida as Scott suggested).

A huge portion of my cranky disposition is that it has been three weeks since my last head to toe CT scan at Sunnybrook, and I am still anxiously awaiting results.  

Realistically speaking, I have every right to be anxious about the results of these reports, as I have yet to have one that is clear of any "issue" we need to investigate further. Last time we waited and left a "discovery" in July until "surgery" in December, it ended up being "a lot more invasive" than it may have been had we perhaps "hurried the fuck up!"

My last one in October showed something in spine for which they recommend a bone scan.  My main oncologist suggested we wait til after we resolve the thyroid stuff as I had a lot going on in Nov/December, so I am fully expecting more information on that.  HOWEVER, the first of my CT scan results appeared on my online chart finally this morning, and I don't like the looks of it.  

It's my head/neck radiology report, and it says I have several enlarged lymph nodes in the posterior nasopharynx something... and "Short-term followup is recommended to rule out retropharyngeal adenopathy." Being as we removed 37 lymph nodes from my neck I was going on the assumption there wasn't much else to have issues with so I am rather distressed at this.... feel free to google that if you want, I will not.

I have called and emailed both my surgeon and the oncologist who always "interprets" for me, and I hope to get further information ASAP.  :-(  

And this is even before the other two reports come in, for thorax/chest and the abdomen, which are the ones I was worried about in the first place.  It's the liver and leg we are supposed to be watching.  Aaarghh  See why I should just keep sleeping??

Anyway, thank you yes, I am taking vitamins, drinking water and green tea, enjoying Valentine's gifts and cards, trying to not stress, resting, being gentle with myself, reading novels, playing computer games, getting lots of hugs, and hanging in there.    Can't go around it, gotta go through it. 

Canadian article: Yervoy® (ipilimumab)

 

Save Your Skin Foundation Supports INESSS’ Evaluation of Yervoy® (ipilimumab) as a First Line Treatment of Metastatic Melanoma, and Hopes Quebec Government Allows Access to Patients Soon.

Article:

MONTRÉAL (Wednesday, February 4, 2015)- February 4th marks World Cancer Day and in Quebec, a treatment for metastatic melanoma has been denied. Save Your Skin Foundation Supports the recent Institut national d’excellence en santé et en services sociaux (INESSS) evaluation of Yervoy® (ipilimumab) as a first line treatment of Metastatic Melanoma, and hopes the Quebec Government will approve patient access soon.

Currently melanoma patients have limited options for first line treatments, making equal and timely access critical to patients who are dealing with life and death scenarios. INESSS’s analysis aligns with clinical evidence, and with the requests of the melanoma community in Quebec, including the Save Your Skin Foundation, to recognize the importance of immunotherapy for advanced stages of melanoma and to increase survival rates associated with its use. We hope that this evaluation will encourage hospitals to provide clinical access to patients with a real necessity for Yervoy® despite the refusal due to economic costs through the processus de nécessité particulière ensuring that patients will still be able to receive treatment, as indicated in the INESSS report.

“We are disappointed Yervoy® didn’t receive Government approval as a first line treatment for melanoma, however it’s positive that the current government is exploring how to work with the rest of Canada on how to unlock the access problem in Quebec”, says Kathleen Barnard, President and Founder of the Save Your Skin Foundation. “Once again, Quebec is denying access to important oncology treatments that are available in other provinces. Delays in receiving treatment can have significant impact on cancer survival in Quebec. “

The Save Your Skin Foundation strongly supports the Quebec Government’s initiative to work in collaboration with the Pan-Canadian Purchasing Alliance (PCPA). “The minister’s decision reaffirms the need for communication between the government and drug manufacturers and the necessity for Québec to join PCPA,” explains Barnard, further expanding by saying “We have seen this process be effective and positive across the country. In the meantime, Quebec patients are dying from melanoma even though safe and successful treatment is available in Canada.”

Many patients in Quebec are living proof that immuno-therapies are increasing their chances of survival, especially in cases of metastatic malignant melanoma where, historically, a typical life expectancy was six months. If the Government is unable to find a solution, Quebecers will not have the same chance of surviving advanced cancers as their Canadian counterparts. “As a patient, and in order to have hope for my future and for others diagnosed with melanoma, I believe that a treatment such as Yervoy® must be used as a first line treatment. Efforts need to be put in the right place, life doesn’t have a price,” says Pierre Bousquet, a melanoma survivor from Québec who received Yervoy® through special access.

According to the World Health Organization one in every three cancers diagnosed is skin cancer and nearly 2-3 million people will be diagnosed with skin cancers worldwide. In Québec alone 40,000 new cases of non-melanoma skin cancers and 1,000 melanomas will be diagnosed, with 100 people dying of Advanced Malignant Metastatic Melanoma.

Yervoy® was recently approved by pCODR as a first line treatment for melanoma.

About Melanoma

In its late stages, the average life expectancy for melanoma is just six months, with a one-year survival rate of only 25 percent, making metastatic melanoma one of the most aggressive forms of cancer and one of the deadliest forms of skin cancer. An estimated 6,500 Canadians out of which 1000 will be from Quebec will be diagnosed with melanoma this year and 1,050 will die from it (100 from Québec). Melanoma is responsible for 70 percent of deaths associated with skin cancer.

About the Save Your Skin Foundation

The Save Your Skin Foundation is a Canadian not-for-profit foundation. Through events and other initiatives, the Foundation focuses on raising funds for education and awareness, providing emotional and financial support to those dealing with melanoma and non-melanoma skin cancers, and on supporting the ongoing research and treatment of skin cancer — especially melanoma.

For more information, visit www.saveyourskin.ca