Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Saying Nothing at All

I've always tried to live by the wisdom that if you have nothing good to say, then say nothing at all. Well I stillll have nothing good to say, but today I'm going to say it anyway.  I am cranky, tired, miserable, bitchy, and at this point just plain being dragged through each day.

Thank you to everyone who keeps checking in, and putting up with me giving you either a snarky reply or not answering you at all.  Just saying.  It's not you, it's me.  I told you I planned to sleep away February, so thank you, I am, and I don't really want to talk about it.

General concensus by my medical and family folks is, that I am feeling this way due to the plain-jane thyroid hormone replacement medication I am taking until my radioactive iodine therapy in March, I get bumped up double the hormone pills on March 25, so I am anxiously awaiting that time more than a month away.  My body is still adjusting to the changes it suffered from thyroidectomy in December as well, that is a fact.  

Low hormone, the fact that it is February (and other than sunshiney-vacationing-folks, who fares well in February anyway??), side effects from my pacman treatment, and general depression and malaise side-effects that two kinds of cancer give you while you put all your effort into looking after your kids and trying to recuperate without going insane.  Grrrrr  

Took myself to have bloodwork done yesterday (you can do that when you are an oncology patient who habitually feels like shit and you have an open requisition at the Lab) so that when I see my family doc tomorrow we can study the data and see if there is any relief we can bring me outside of having me committed to a rubber room (or having me mailed to my Mother in Florida as Scott suggested).

A huge portion of my cranky disposition is that it has been three weeks since my last head to toe CT scan at Sunnybrook, and I am still anxiously awaiting results.  

Realistically speaking, I have every right to be anxious about the results of these reports, as I have yet to have one that is clear of any "issue" we need to investigate further. Last time we waited and left a "discovery" in July until "surgery" in December, it ended up being "a lot more invasive" than it may have been had we perhaps "hurried the fuck up!"

My last one in October showed something in spine for which they recommend a bone scan.  My main oncologist suggested we wait til after we resolve the thyroid stuff as I had a lot going on in Nov/December, so I am fully expecting more information on that.  HOWEVER, the first of my CT scan results appeared on my online chart finally this morning, and I don't like the looks of it.  

It's my head/neck radiology report, and it says I have several enlarged lymph nodes in the posterior nasopharynx something... and "Short-term followup is recommended to rule out retropharyngeal adenopathy." Being as we removed 37 lymph nodes from my neck I was going on the assumption there wasn't much else to have issues with so I am rather distressed at this.... feel free to google that if you want, I will not.

I have called and emailed both my surgeon and the oncologist who always "interprets" for me, and I hope to get further information ASAP.  :-(  

And this is even before the other two reports come in, for thorax/chest and the abdomen, which are the ones I was worried about in the first place.  It's the liver and leg we are supposed to be watching.  Aaarghh  See why I should just keep sleeping??

Anyway, thank you yes, I am taking vitamins, drinking water and green tea, enjoying Valentine's gifts and cards, trying to not stress, resting, being gentle with myself, reading novels, playing computer games, getting lots of hugs, and hanging in there.    Can't go around it, gotta go through it. 

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